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“Remember the part where you don’t get to hide from me anymore?”
“I don’t think now is a good time…”
He shakes his head and the words get stuck in my throat.
Nikolai’s touch turns softer and his voice becomes more gentle. “Tell me, baby. I just want to understand and help you. If you don’t speak to me, I don’t know where to start.”
“I’m fine—”
“What did I say about that fucking word?”
“I’m really okay now. I’m over it.”
“I’m not sure if you’re lying to me or yourself at this point.”
“Can’t you just let it go?”
“No, I can’t just let it go when it’s a huge part of who you are. Why can’t you tell me? Do you not trust me?”
“No, no, of course I do.” It’s because I trust him so much that I’m scared shitless about his reaction.
He’ll leave you when he knows what you’ve done. Everyone else will see you as the weakling you are.
I swallow past the lump in my throat as that voice hammers inside my head.
“Then why the fuck are you hiding from me?” His voice drips with frustration and I want to erase that, I want to protect him, especially from myself.
Because he shouldn’t love me. I’ll hurt him, even unintentionally, I know I will.
But I offer him something, just a little truth. “Remember when I told you I hate myself?”
He nods, his expression easing, and he goes completely still, as if my words are a ceremony he wouldn’t dare disrupt.
“A long time ago, I did something so fucked up and I never…forgave myself for it. Every time I look in the mirror, I see that version of me, and I can’t stand it. The need to crash and burn it flows inside me every second of every fucking day. That’s also why I stopped drawing people, animals, or anything with eyes. I feel as if they’re my own reflection from the mirror following me everywhere.” I smile with difficulty. “The only reason why I never took a shower with you is because I didn’t want you to witness that version of me whenever I look at the bathroom mirror. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” His voice softens. “Can you tell me what you did to make you feel that way?”
“One day. I just need to get my shit together to be able to talk about it. Can you wait?”
“Absolutely, and, baby?” He kisses the top of my head and his next words nearly give me a heart attack. “Even if you hate yourself, I’ll love you for the both of us.”
34
NIKOLAI
If a few weeks ago someone had told me my lotus flower would be taking me on one date, let alonethree, I would’ve called an ambulance.
But here we are on our third date. That’s right.Third.Outside. With people around us. And he’s not panicking.
I stare down at his hand in mine, our fingers intertwined, and I discreetly pinch my nape. That hurts. This is not a fucking dream.
We walk down a dirt path in his favorite park in London that’s close to where he lives, Hampstead Heath.
He said he needed something simple after all the touristy things I made him do with me. London Eye, London Bridge—or Tower Bridge as he liked to correct me, with an extremely snobbish expression, I might add—Camden Lock, and a whole day in the food market. Yesterday, we went everywhere, from Coal Drops Yard all the way to East London and then back to central London and Covent Garden where we watched some opera show in the Royal Opera House.
Definitelynotmy thing and I sure as shit stood out even in formal wear.
But I went for Bran’s sake since he loves those prim and proper things. Besides, he looked fucking mouthwatering in a suit, so I wasn’t complaining. Needless to stay, I fell asleep after the first ten minutes, and he let me use his shoulder as a pillow. So I might have pretended to stay asleep for longer than needed.
