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Issomething came upalso some sort of code for fucking someone else?
I’m not even mad about it. Because then the questiondid I disappoint him?joins this little game of self-deprecation meets fear of abandonment.
He said he loved you.
He does.
But what if I’m not enough? I can’t deny my lack of experience. During sex, Theo dominates me, knows what he’s doing, what he wants, and how to get it.
I, on the other hand, follow his lead. My body dictates my reactions, Theo’s commands and looks direct my movements.
I thought he was satisfied.
I might’ve read the signs wrong.
I might…
Sigh.
No, I don’t want to go there.
What we have is more than just sex. Theo is all in, laying his heart out on the table for me to take. He wouldn’t go to someone else and throw what we have away for sex.
With another long sigh, and after over thirty minutes of getting lost in my own head, I text him back.
Me:I love you too.
I pause, reconsidering my message. Theo wouldn’t have left me like this had I sent him such a cryptic message. He would’ve cared, would’ve tried to understand why I’m struggling, and would’ve been there for me. He loves me.
Me:What can I do to help?
He doesn’t make me wait for his reply.
Theo:You’re too good for me. There’s nothing you can do for now, baby.
Theo:On second thought, there is. Wait for me in your bed tonight. I’ll be there tomorrow morning.
The debilitating ache spurred by my trauma begins to evaporate at his message. He’s not disappointed in my…performance. He’s not avoiding me or anything remotely close to it.
It feels silly now. Childish, too. This jumping to conclusions, my innate lack of trust and believing I’m wanted.
Sure, a few other clinics offered me a job with them and higher pay. Professionally, I’m sought out. And that’s fine.
That isn’t why I’m tormented over it.
Theo, my boyfriend, loves me for me. The day he leaves, he’ll leaveme, the human being, the soul, the beating heart.
Worrying about him walking away is my issue to work on. When I say I trust him, I have to mean it wholeheartedly.
Sticking to this back and forth ofhe loves me, he loves me notwill wear me out in the long run and will offend Theo time and again until he really gives up on me.
This is where it ends. I believe he loves me, that he’s faithful. That I’m more than enough. That we both deserve the happiness we found in one another.
As simple and as complicated as it is, from now on, it’s the absolute truth.
A content smile curls my lips, and I sit up, straightening my spine. My fingers tap ayesI don’t send.
Because Theo’s second text comes up a second before I can hit send.
