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She’s right.
I drop my gaze. I’ve been selfish and self-centred since coming out of the facility. She’s been looking after me, turning up twice – and nowthree timesa day – to give me my meds, and hanging out with me in my room whenever she can so that I don’t get too lonely. I owe her this.
But…it means going outside.
And bad things seem to happen when I do that. If I’m with Cove or Bhodi, things don’t seem too bad, but without them, disaster seems to always strike. Hell, even with them bad things still happen.
I just have a horrible feeling about tonight.
I tell Summer as much, but she shrugs it off and offers to increase my medication.
“Is it safe?” I hesitate.
“Absolutely. I checked with your doctor, and he actually recommended it. He said because your therapy is going so well, while you’re trying to overcome your agoraphobia, this would really help you. It’ll just take the edge off and mellow you out a bit. No panic attacks, no anxiety, I promise.”
That sounds…amazing, actually. I smile at her.
“Okay. Let’s do this. How long does it take to kick in?”
“About half an hour. Take it now while I finish your makeup. Here you go.”
She hands me double the amount of pills I usually take, which is already a lot. I stare at them in the palm of my hand, piled up looking like a colourful little mountain of potential. Potential freedom or potential doom, I can’t decide.
“Can you grab me a drink, please? I can’t swallow all of these dry.”
A sudden memory flashes through my mind.“Can you grab me a drink? I suck at swallowing pills. You'd think with this many to take that I’d be used to it by now, but I’m not.” … “What would happen if you didn’t take them?” … “I’d freak out…auditory hallucinations.” … “Like, hearing voices in your head?” … “Yeah. But…oh god, you’re going to think I’m insane if I tell you this—” … “I would never” … “I could hear people’s thoughts.” … “And what happened just now to make you freak out?” … “It happened.” … “What did?” … “The voices came back.” … “And what were they saying?”
Before I can answer, the sky turns green behind the firework smoke. Bang! Something more violent than any rocket going off shakes the boat and—
“Sure, hang on.”
Summer goes off to my bathroom to grab me a glass of water, and I desperately try to cling to what happened next on my date with Cove.
When she returns a moment later I take the pills without complaint though I’m frustrated at the interruption. I shudder as they go down.
I trust Summer. I do. That’s not what’s wrong here. I just can’t explain it.
She returns to working on my face and moves on to fiddling with my hair. I’m not fussed with it all, but it makes her happy and I’m doing this for her. I can’t stop thinking about that memory…vision…real or imagined?
Fuck. I’m so confused. I wish I could speak to Cove about it. But he’s only just started being normal around me again since the last time I questioned him about that night.
When he lied to you, you mean.
That thought stops me short. He did, didn’t he? He didn’t feel guilty that I couldn’t remember what happened, he felt guilty because he knew he was lying to me about…something.
Eventually Summer’s satisfied with her handiwork and announces we’re ready to go. I just want to crawl into bed and obsess over my date with Cove, but I grab my purse, keys and phone and put them into a small bag Summer has lent me, along with the dress and shoes. There’s no getting out of this. I can obsess later.
“Thanks for this, MT,” she says, looping her arm through mine as we leave campus and slowly walk into town. It’s not far, and thanks to the increase in meds, I’m able to enjoy the late evening sun on my face without the warmth of Bhodi or Cove’s comforting embrace.
Thankfully, Summer is happy to regale me with stories of dating five guys, and I’m able to just enjoy the scenery and fresh air. Having a conversation with Summer requires very little input on my part, just listening and occasional wordless murmurs of agreement. I’m a good listener, when I focus, and since being on my meds, the mind chatter, the noises, the voices…they’ve all quietened down, so I can act more ‘normal’ in social situations. I can actually focus on what Summer is saying, which is sort of nice. I mean, I lose interest pretty quickly when all she talks about is so-and-so’s dreamy eyes, or rock hard abs, but at least I was able to take it in for a while.
I’d much rather talk about what’s going on around campus and why everyone isn’t whispering about it constantly.
Summer leads me through the back alleys of town, and I have to admit I have no idea where she’s taking me. Fancy restaurants were never my scene, even before I hated going out. The only parts of the island I paid attention to were the beaches, for the best surf.
Shit.
I stumble to a halt and Summer looks at me, concern etched onto her face.
