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Reef looks shamefaced and Cove looks devastated. It makes my chest hurt, but I have to build walls around my heart.
Thisis why I’m an outcast, why I don’t get close to people. Not because I’m some damn…fairy or something, but because people fuckinghurtyou. They earn your trust and then they take it and they destroy it in the most cruel and painful ways you can imagine. I was betrayed by the people who were always supposed to have my back; my family. And that’s okay because I never knew any different. I don’t know if Summer has betrayed me, but she’s certainly dumped me and moved on to better things. I can cope with that.
What I can’t handle is what these guys have done: they made me care. Care about them and care about myself. Even the professor, though he had a funny way of showing it. They treated me like a normal girl and Reef, Cove and Bhodi made me feel special for all the right reasons. They gave me hope that I was perhaps even capable of being liked. And they made me love them for that.
Which is why I don’t think they can have any reason good enough for decimating that level of trust that I gave them.
I get to my feet and the others all rise too. “I need some space. I’m going to bed. I’m going to stay tonight, but only because I still have questions I want the answers to, and because another girl got killed on campus today, and no matter the shitty choices I may have made in the past, I’mnotstupid enough to go wandering around this island on my own at night.”
“At least make sure you drink your water,” the professor says. “You’ll still be feeling the after effects of the detox.”
He nods at the water bottle I’ve been playing with this whole time and something inside of mesnaps.I roll the bottle across the table, back towards him with more force than is necessary. “You keep it. I’ll drink from the tap. Everything you give me leaves a nasty taste in my mouth.”
Then I turn and walk away. Cove desperately calls out to me, but I don’t stop or acknowledge him. The prof tells them to leave me, to let me have space. I don’t feel any gratitude towards him, I’d have bitten their heads off if they tried to come after me.
Knowing I’ve got the whole floor to myself, I take my time in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Yes, it’s only mid afternoon, but there’s no way in hell I’m going back downstairs today. I brush my teeth and then fill the glass beside the sink with good old fashioned tap water. It tastes like clarity and freedom. Then I slip into Cove’s room undisturbed and lose myself staring out at the ocean. Eventually though I must doze off, because my sleep is a horrifying combination of being trapped underwater, unable to breathe or break through to the surface, murky green smoke, and black cloaked figures chasing me. Every time one of them touches me, pain explodes through my entire body, but I’m trapped in a silent scream, unable to make a sound or free myself from my sleepy prison.
In the morning, I’m more exhausted and wrung out than I have been in a long time, even after having shock therapy in the hospital. Half-dazed I stagger to the bathroom to shower the sweat and stale scent of terror from my body, and once I’m dressed I quietly tiptoe down the stairs. I don’t know what my plan is, but I need to clear my head, and the beach has always been the best place for me to do that, so I grab my bag and sneak out.
The morning is beautiful, the beach deserted, the ocean breeze clears my head and blows away those remaining shadows from my nightmares which were clinging to my consciousness like stubborn cobwebs. I walk a little way down the beach, towards the water, and sit down on the sand. It’s slightly damp from the morning dew, but I find it has a grounding effect, so I don’t mind it at all. I slip in my earbuds and listen to Ruelle’s ‘Recover’. The lyrics really hit home and even though my emotions are in turmoil, I don’t cry. It’s more of a numbness that I can’t break through.
The song bleeds into ‘Snap’ by Rosa Linn, then ‘Compass’ by Clavi, and then ‘Whose Side Are You On?’.
Like yesterday, I stare at the ocean and let my thoughts settle. There’s still so much to process. So much to learn. But first I have to consider a few basics. If I want to move forward and get answers I have to accept some not so simple facts: magic is real, all of the creatures and beings from fiction and fairytales are true, and I might not be who I thought I was. Can I accept that?
And why am I more worried about a different revelation that came to light yesterday? The one where I realised these four men – even the cranky, uptight professor who needs to get laid – all have a special place in my heart despite the fact they all lied to me for weeks. Something I’m trying to hold on to. There’s no denying that what I feel for Bhodi and Cove is stronger than what I feel for Reef and the professor, but I think that’s honestly just down to the time I’ve spent with them.
I’m more focused onthatthan the idea that someone or something, in one way or another, might be out to get me.
I really need to get my priorities sorted.
Realising that I’m not ready to face the music – and by music I mean the four men in my life who just blew it wide open – I take my bag and decide I’ll head to campus. I’ll be there way too early for class, but I can take sanctuary in the library. Nothing bad ever happens in libraries, Bhodi even took me there as a safe space once so I know I’ll be fine.
Leaving the beach, I pause Fleurie’s ‘Hurts Like Hell’ and take the dirt track that leads to the ramshackle garage where the guys and locals often park their golf carts. I’ll borrow one of those to get to campus. My stomach growls loudly in protest of me not eating much of anything yesterday, and I vow I’ll try and sweet talk Betsy into sharing her breakfast station with me when I get to the library. Maybe if I offer to put in a couple of hours of work, she’ll take pity on me.
“Hungry, little dot?” a voice asks, scaring the crap out of me. I spin and scowl at Bhodi who’s looking far too bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
That saying makes no sense.
But itdoesremind me of the girl with the fox tail…and the one with the cat tail. The cat tail they tried to convince me was a bloody butt plug! My anger bubbles to the surface once more and my scowl becomes ferocious. Only, instead of shrinking back from me, Bhodi chuckles!
“You’re cute when you’re hangry.”
I don’t dignify that with a response, and change the conversation.
“What are you doing here?” I demand.
He shrugs. “Same as you.”
“You mean spying on me.”
“Potato, tomato. It’s not safe to wander off alone, little dot.”
“Stop calling me that,” I snap.
“As you wish. Now, get in. Are you driving or am I?”
Knowing that he’s a stubborn fuck, and there’s no way in hell he’s going to let me leave without him, I give in. Maybe I can ditch him on campus.
