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I flash him a smile before going to the bathroom. After doing my grooming, I dare a glance in the mirror. I couldn’t avoid seeing the state of my body when I undressed to shower, but I had a choice when it came to my face. I haven’t been able to look until now, but I feel ready today.
It’s not as bad as I expected. The bruises under my eyes are fading to a yellowish shade of green. The one on my temple is still purple, but it’s smaller than I imagined. My hair is dull and tangled. I didn’t wash it because I felt dizzy when I tilted my head forward or backward. I may take Mattie up on her offer to wash my hair today. I tie the long strands in a loose ponytail and dress in yoga pants and a T-shirt. Just to be dressed in clothes instead of my pajamas already makes me feel more human again.
Except for the sounds coming from the kitchen, the house is quiet when I slowly make my way downstairs. The mental image of Angelo preparing coffee makes me smile.
At the front door, I take a puffy jacket from the coat closet and pull it on before going outside.
Mattie sits on a porch bench facing the sea with a blanket covering her knees.
She looks up when I close the door behind me. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I go over. “Is there space for two?”
She lifts the blanket and scoots to the side.
When I’m seated, she covers my legs and pulls the blanket up to my waist.
“This is so peaceful,” she says, staring at the flat surface of the turquoise water. “The sea is different here. Quieter. Less stormy and dark.”
“Yes, it’s different. I can’t wait for summer so I can go for a swim.”
She shoulders me gently. “Winter never stopped you from swimming.”
“That’s true.”
Other things did. The fear of missing home too much. The fear of longing to go back to South Africa, but I no longer want to return to my home country.
Squinting at the sparkle of the sun rays on the water, I ask, “Is Ben still sleeping?”
She laughs. “He’s been up since five, but Jared is playing with him to give me a break.”
“That’s kind.”
“Jared is great.” She sighs. “This feels like old times, doesn’t it?”
“Yep.” But like the sea, it’s different too. This time, I’m not sitting under a blanket next to my sister while hiding from myself. I’m no longer ashamed of my love or my choices.
“Do you miss Great Brak River?”
“I miss it like you miss a place with nostalgic memories, but this is home now.”
She looks at me. “You love him, don’t you?”
I don’t know how to answer that. How do I tell my sister that I love the man who killed our dad? I made my peace, but how is she supposed to live with that?
Her gaze softens. “You loved him from the very first moment.”
“Why do you say that?” I ask, my voice a little hoarse.
“I could see it in your eyes. It was impossible not to notice the difference in you when you walked into the kitchen dressed in your bikini and shorts instead of your party dress. You had this impenetrable bubble around you. Not even Mom’s anger could shake you. And when I looked around the doorframe and saw him walking away, I knew why you wore that goofy look on your face. You’d already left us then, long before he took you away.”
I take her hand. “I didn’t leave you.”
“Not physically, but you were already with him from that moment on.” Her expression turns pained. “I knew you loved him when Ryan told you he stole Dad’s book. The devastation on your face spoke a thousand words. You always cared for him, even when you thought you didn’t.”
“Does that make me a horrible person?”
She cups my cheek and gives me a sad little smile. “No, Bella. No one has the right to judge you. You alone are responsible for your happiness, and I say you’ve more than earned living your life the way you damn well please.”
