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Because I knew the answer was yes. If he asked in a way I could not brush off, I knew I’d be on the first flight. Whatever that may say about me and my moral failings, the answer was yes. Being able to admit this to myself, but never out loud, surely made me a coward, though I tried to assuage my ego by reminding it that I would never, ever make the first move. Not now and not in the future. My spirits buoyed as I silently improved my morals through this little calculus. My inner compass might not point true north some days, but it’s not so broken that it doesn’t know arctic from austral.
“But what if he asked?” I bristled at how Stacy seemed to have read my thoughts.
“But he never will. As sure as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, cross my heart and hope to die,” I added dramatically, the promise of little girls’ secrets ringing in my ears.
“You do realize that this utter lack of clear communication is what led to everything in first place, don’t you?”
I gave her my best thousand-yard stare.
“One final question, Liss. When you were married, did all of your friends know Jake’s name?”
I nodded, puzzled by the turn her line of questioning had taken.
“But you still don’t know his wife’s name, am I right? And if I remember correctly, you had to wait for months before he would even confirm he was married?”
Now I followed.
“Why do you think that could be?”
She wasn’t a therapist for nothing.
∞ ∞ ∞ ∞ ∞
“You said thatyou’d tell me.” Nao Kao’s words in their little gray bubble centered me.
“If I’m going to tell you the story, you have to promise me that you will be able to compartmentalize.”
“Okay….”
“I mean it. Are you able to compartmentalize?”
“Yes”
“How well?”
“How well? Liss, what kind of a question is that? What does that mean? I can compartmentalize.”
“I need to make sure, to be absolutely certain.”
“I can do it. Tell me the story.”
“I need to be able to work with you, Nao Kao.”
“Yes, of course. It’s fine. Please, tell me.”
“If you are angry with me, even though I won’t be able to do anything to change that, I still want you just to tell me. To acknowledge that so that at least I know.”
“I won’t be mad.”
“You don’t know that, Nao Kao. So just promise me, if you are mad, that you will tell me, and not pretend that everything is fine and you’re not angry.”
“Alright”
“Alright, what?”
“Liss! I will tell you if I am angry. And I promise to compartmentalize. Now will you please tell me whatever you want to tell me?”
“I’ve told you before that if we ever met in person again I would tell you the end of the story.”
