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God, I hope it’s his.
“I’m over twenty weeks now, so I can find out the gender if I want,” I say with a smile.
His eyes light up, and my insides flip.
“Do you want to know?” he asks and then leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees. “I mean, do you want to find out, or are you going to have it be a surprise?”
I shake my head slowly as I look him up and down. I’ve never seen him this underdressed, aside from when he’s in nothing. He’s got on a pair of dark-wash jeans and a white hoodie that’s the perfect amount of contrast to his olive skin. He’s so good-looking it almost hurts.
“Haven’t decided,” I tell him. “Now, tell me about how you’re doing, and maybe I’ll reveal more information to you.”
He chuckles and sits back, leaning against the cushions as he starts to tell me about the past thirty days of detox and rehab. I listen intently, hanging on every single word and wishing I could’ve been the one to help him, knowing at the same time that I would’ve had no idea what I was doing.
“So it was that bad, huh?” I ask as he finishes telling me about detoxing.
“Yeah.” He huffs out a breath. “I had hopes it wouldn’t be because I was only on the drugs for a week or so, but the amount Gabriel and his crew dosed me with while I was in the compound was unreal, apparently…”
“And how are you doing with all of that…”
He swallows, and his Adam’s apple rises and falls as he looks to the floor and back at me again. “It’s fucking torture, Ev. Knowing I was raping women. I—”
“You were not willingly raping women, Nicco. My god. You were drugged up to the point of not even knowing who you were or where you were. You were being forced to do it just like the women were—”
“Still, Evelina,” he interrupts me. “Just knowing what happened is enough to fuck with my head. Just knowing I was capable, drugs or not…” He takes a deep, fractured breath. “And I thought I hurt you. I woke up and you were there but then you weren’t and there was so much blood. I just…the drugs. They fucked with me so fucking badly.”
A tear rolls down his cheek, and I immediately stand and go around the table to sit next to him.
I move my thumb carefully to his cheek as another tear falls, and he leans into me so I can thumb it away.
“You are not responsible for what they did to you. I am here. We are here.” I motion to the baby. “Weare fine. You are not responsible for this.”
“That’s what the therapist and psychiatrist have been saying,” Niccolò grits out, but I can tell he doesn’t fully believe the words. “I think it’ll take a lot more of this fucking therapy shit to get me to believe it, though.”
I nod as he pulls me into his arms and squeezes me like he’s missed me just as much as I’ve been missing him, and even though this is hard, so fucking hard, right now, it feels like everything is finally back in place.
“I am so sorry, Niccolò.”
He pulls away from me and cups my face in his hands, studying me intently as his tongue darts out to wet his lips.
“Iam sorry. You have nothing to apologize for. Gabriel wanted you to be collateral damage in this fucking fucked-up game of his, and if I would’ve just stayed away from you—”
“Don’t you fucking dare, Niccolò,” I say, grabbing his hands and tugging them away from my face. “Don’t you dare wish us away.”
“I’m not wishing us away, Ev. I just know if I hadn’t brought you into this, you would be better off.” He sighs, and I can tell he’s beat. That he’s probably sick and tired of emotionally draining himself to therapists and doctors and who knows who else.
“You didn’t bring me into this life. I walked willingly into it because it was disguised as a goddamn getaway car from my past life,” I say, shrugging. “You didn’t bring me into this life,” I repeat, grabbing onto his hands. “But I’d gladly stay in it for you.”
My words seem to register, and I watch as he fully comprehends the weight of what I’m saying.
“I want you, Niccolò. I want you, and I’ve missed you, and I don’t want any part of any life without you. I’m ready for this.” I motion between us. “I’m ready for you, for your baggage and your faults and all your greatness if you’re ready for all of me, too.”
He pulls me onto his lap and devours my mouth, his hands roaming my body as he hungrily takes what’s his, what has always been his, from the very moment he bought that old book in my bookstore.
When he finally pulls away, we’re both breathless, and he’s ungodly hard against me.
“Once I’m done with all this, once I’m better and back to whatever the fuck my normal is, you are mine, Evelina,” he says, and it’s the first time he’s truly smiled in longer than I can remember.
I shake my head. He narrows his eyes, but I’m quick to put him at ease.
