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“No problem,” Ryan says, pausing the movie and standing to shake his hand.
My sleep fog is eagerly counting the seconds until it can complete its hostile takeover when Claire clears her throat and gives a tight-lipped nod to the door.
Duh. I should definitely walk my date out.
He already has the front door open when I catch up.
“So hey,” I say, cringing at my middle school–level awkwardness, “thanks for coming, and for dinner.”
He turns, and our eyes meet squarely for the second time this evening. His jaw clenches, irritation and something else flashing in his eyes during a lengthy pause. “Nice to meet you,Grace.”
I don’t know if he’s caught on to my not knowing his name, but there’s definitely something extra in the way he emphasizes mine. He turns on his heel, lifting a hand half-heartedly when I manage to say goodbye. He doesn’t look back.
I shut the door softly, relief floating to the top of my other emotions.
Until I get back to the living room.
Unfortunately, Claire is perched angrily on the couch that will be my bed tonight. “What the heck was that?” she whisper-yells over the sleeping baby in her arms. Ava exhibits an admirable startle reflex with the only limb not swaddled.
Wide-eyed, Ryan manages a careful transfer of the whimpering baby, a hurried good-night, and a dash for safety behind the closed door of the only bedroom before I answer.
“What?” I will some innocence into my voice, wishing I could escape like Ryan did.
Claire’s not buying it.“That.”She jerks her chin toward the front door.
“Uh...”
“He’s one of Ryan’sbest friends, Grace!”
My fajitas churn uncomfortably.
“You hardly spoke to him; didn’t look at him once during dinner, though you seemed to find the other tables interesting; missed several questions he asked you directly; clung to your end of the couch like he was leprous;fell asleepduring the movie; and you weren’t even going to walk him to the door!” She shakes her head, rubbing her hand across tired new-mom eyes. “I know you’re struggling. We all are since—”
“Don’t.” I stop her before she can finish the sentence, sayitout loud.
Her shoulders slump, sympathy mixing with her anger, but she yields to my objection. “That’s no excuse to treat a person the way you did tonight.”
I swallow against the rising tide in my eyes, willing it down, away, while knowing I only delay the inevitable.
Though the tears don’t roll, my battle softens Claire. “He’s a nice guy,” she says. “He made an effort, paid for your dinner, and received nothing more than indifference and distraction in return.”
“You knew I didn’t want a setup,” I say. One pitiful last-ditch attempt at defense.
“I know. There’s already a guy.”
For half a second I think she might let me off the hook, but no.
“Let me guess. He’s very tall,” she says, her tone leaving no question of her feelings on my height requirement, “handsome, athletic...” She pauses for dramatic effect. “And he’s never spoken a word to you beyond ‘hello.’”
She’s waiting for a contradiction, but I have none. “He’s nice,” I protest.
“Doubtless. Also completely unattainable and therefore risk-free.” She gets off the couch and meets me where I stand locked in my struggle. “What happened tonight? That wasn’t the Grace I know.” Her gentle hand on my crossed arms nearly obliterates my defenses. “You have to move on,” she says, leaving me to my tortured thoughts with the quiet closing of her bedroom door.
My behavior ensured the date was a disaster, but I know she’s talking about more than that. I’ve been thoughtless, unfeeling, oblivious. In spite of my issues—becauseof them—I should have been kind. I’ve never felt so ashamed.
Mourning silently in the limited privacy of Claire’s living room, I decide it’s best to take a break from dating until I can figure myself out. Until the pain of losing Benson doesn’t cloud my every interaction. Eventually I try to sleep, but every time I get close some painful detail from tonight’s failure shames me awake.
I should have been present. I should have been nice. It’s not like Claire was asking me to marry him. I could have at least tried to see him as a friend.
