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Even when she was bemoaning the men’s focus on me, I’ve never heard her sound quite as defeated as she does right now. Where is she going with this?
“It’s an awkward situation,” I acknowledge. “But we’ve made the best of it, or at least we’re working toward that.”
And the situation should be almost over with. But I don’t know how to say that part in a way that doesn’t sound totally insensitive.
When I’ve seen Julita’s quest to destroy the scourge sorcerers through, when their conspiracy has crumbled, there’ll be no reason for her to cling to this last shred of life through me. At some point, we’ll have to talk about her final death.
I’m just not expecting that conversation to happen immediately.
Julita makes a sound as if clearing her throat.I was thinking… I haven’t been all that helpful in the past week or two. So perhaps it’s time for me to move on and let you have your life just for yourself again.
I blink, momentarily startled speechless. “Why would you even say that? We aren’t finished with your mission.”
I get the sense of Julita’s presence squirming a little before she answers.If anything, I suspect I’ve been distracting you. I’ve obviously been too caught up in my own concerns to ensure I’m there when Icanhelp. If I’m causing more problems than I’m solving, leaving would be better for the mission as well as for you.
My mouth opens, but no words come to me. A heat that has nothing to do with the bath has flared in the back of my eyes.
Why do I feel like I’m about to cry?
Julita isn’twrong. My ghostly passenger has been pulling back more and more. It’s been difficult trying to balance her emotions with my own desires.
But somehow the thought of her vacating my mind completely, leaving me as alone as I used to be, makes the bottom of my stomach drop out. The emptiness I picture sends a shiver through my veins.
I’d be facing the scourge sorcerers with no one at all by my side. No wry remarks to keep my spirits up. No expressions of concern when I’m struggling.
Does she really think she’s troubled me that much?
Maybe hanging on has become too much of a strain forher, but she doesn’t want to admit it.
“Doyouwant to move on?” I ask, fighting to keep my voice steady. “If sticking with me has become too uncomfortable, I obviously wouldn’t insist that you stay.”
Ivy… I’ve appreciated every bit of life you’ve let me cling to. The last thing I want is to overstay my welcome.
I think that’s a no to my question.
I gather myself as well as I can. “You haven’t overstayed. Obviously everything between me and the men has become a little much for you, and I don’t blame you for needing some space. But you are still helping. I don’t know if I’d have gotten through the initiation without giving away my magic if you hadn’t talked me through it. Youwerethere when I needed you the most.”
I can almost see Julita hanging her head.I should have been there sooner.
“That doesn’t matter. You weren’t too late. I—I hate that I have to deal with those assholes at all. It’d be so much harder without a friend there with me.”
Julita gives a rough laugh.You still consider me a friend?
I frown. “Of course. That’s why I’ve tried to consider your feelings. You stood up for me before any of the men bothered to. You’ve had my back, and I want to have yours.”
There’s a long stretch of silence. When Julita speaks again, she sounds as if she’s choked up too, even though she hasn’t got a throat to hold a lump or eyes to spill tears.
I’m so sorry. I’m gone from their lives now, so it’s not as if I could have any of them anyway. It’s not as if I’d have let anything happen with them if I’d stayed alive. I was too careful about protecting myself… It’s not your fault I can now see that closing myself off might not have been the path that’d have made me the happiest.
I wish I could give her a hug. It occurs to me, with the sweetest of bittersweet pangs, that this is what it might have been like talking with Linzi if my little sister had lived long enough to confront adult jealousies and regrets.
“I’ve messed things up in plenty of ways myself, making assumptions and hesitating to trust,” I say. “It isn’t fair that you never got the chance to change your mind.”
I’d say it’s much less fair that I’ve made it harder for you to enjoy the affection they’ve offered you. You never treated them badly, Ivy. It made sense that you were cautious given how they first treatedyouand the differences between your positions and… everything. I had no excuse.
My mouth twists into a crooked smile. “I think you did. Your brother was awful to you, and your parents obviously weren’t paying enough attention to intervene… Of course you found it hard to trust anyone.”
Well. I think both of us can be more than our hardships.Julita gives herself a shake that tingles through my scalp.They truly care for you. Even Stavros. I got so caught up in missing what I lost that I didn’t stop to think… This is the best Icanhave now. Celebrating their devotion to you. Getting to enjoy a little taste of the exciting parts before I give you your privacy… and perhaps an additional vicarious thrill if you’ll share some gossip afterward?
