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I got up from the love seat and told Henley to keep playing as I collected the groceries from the hallway. There were only a few bags, and I was able to take them into the kitchen in one trip.
But as I was putting away the items, Henley appeared in the room next to me, cuddling his bear close to his chest. “You two didn’t need to come help,” I told him with a smile, “I’ve got it.”
“It’s not that, Daddy. I…I have a question.” Henley’s face went crimson as he twisted his free hand into his hair. It was the first time he’d appeared nervous since I got him dressed.
I placed the box of granola bars I was holding on the counter and turned to face him, giving him my total focus. “What is it?”
“Well…” Henley chewed on his lip for a moment before continuing in a whisper, even though there was no one around to hear him, “You know how I’m wearing a…?” He didn’t finish his thought, but he pointed at his groin, and I got the hint that he was talking about his diaper, so I nodded. “Do I…use it? Or do I use…?” He thumbed over his shoulder, and I pieced together that he was asking about the bathroom.
I eased his fingers out of his matted locks and kissed his knuckles. “You’re very brave for asking.” I wanted him to know that I understood things were difficult to talk about sometimes, but that I appreciated his trust and effort. Something about the way he asked made me think that he had used his diapers when he wore them on his own. Some people liked the wet, warm comfort of a diaper, some liked the regression, while others just didn’t want to stop playtime to use the restroom. No reason was a bad one.
“I want you to do whatever you are comfortable with. If you’d like to use your diaper, I’d be happy to change you.” It would mean so much to care for him in that way. “Or if you’d rather use the toilet, I’ll help you wash your hands.”
His poor cheeks burned when he replied, “I…I’d like to use it.”
I was so proud of him for pushing past his nerves to grasp what he wanted and needed. “That’s great, kitten. Just tell Daddy when you need changed, okay?”
He nodded, but didn’t move. His face screwed up in an odd expression and I wondered what he was doing until he exclaimed, “I can’t do it with you watching me!” He let loose of my hand and ran away into the living room. I snorted a laugh and went back to putting away the food.
Just as I placed the last box in his cabinet, Henley shuffled back into the kitchen, his arms wrapped in a vise grip around his bear. I barely heard his whispered confession of, “I need changed, Daddy.”
“Okay, sweetheart; come with me.” I put my hand on his back and led him towards his bedroom, trying to play things off like this was no big deal so he wouldn’t be nervous. But it was a huge deal. Henley was allowing me to take care of his most basic, primal needs. He was baring it all to me, and handing over all of his trust. It was a lot of pressure, but I was ready for it. I wanted to show him that I was grateful to care for him in every way.
"Lay on the bed for me, please." Henley did as I requested, placing his head on his pillow and stretching out across the mattress. "Do you have wipes?" I kicked myself for not bringing everything I needed for him; I assumed he would have some, and thankfully I was right.
"In the bathroom under the sink," he answered, nodding towards the hallway.
I retrieved them quickly, along with a pink bottle of baby lotion I found next to them. When I returned, Henley had Officer Bear nestled into his chest, and his fingers knotting his hair.
"I've got something for you," I remembered, sinking my hand into my pocket and pulling out the binky I brought him. I hoped it would bring Henley some comfort and peace. I placed the wipes and lotion on the bed and peeled open the pacifier package. I held the mint green plastic up to his mouth, and Henley parted his lips so I could slip it through them. His binky bobbed back and forth as he sucked it gently. It was the sweetest sight I'd ever seen.
“Okay, kitten, here we go.” I pulled his shorts down and off his legs, spotting his full, puffy diaper as Henley sucked his binky faster. I worked quickly, loosening the tape straps and folding back the front flap before working it out from beneath his bottom.
