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“You’re so fucking stupid! How could you wear that to a game? You embarrassed the fuck out of me!” he shouted before slamming his fist into the wall a mere inch away from my head. He dug his fist out of the wall, showing me bloody knuckles. “This is your fault! This is going to fuck up tomorrow’s practice. All because you—"
“Alex?” he asked once he’d secured me in the limousine. “Baby, breathe.”
I forced out a breath, my fingers shaking. I rubbed them together, but the tremor just worked its way up my body.
Ethan slid next to me, wrapping his arms around me and enveloping me in his warmth.
My heart rate slowed as I leaned into him, hating that I needed his solidness to keep me from spiraling.
“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head.
“What for?” he asked. “You did nothing wrong.”
“I wasn’t prepared to hear that question,” I asked. “I shouldn’t still be affected like this.” I blew out a breath. “Damn it. I hate it when this happens.”
“I should be the one apologizing,” he said. “Being with me in any capacity prompts the media to dig up your past.”
“It’s not your fault,” I said. “It’s been years. I shouldn’t still panic—”
“You can’t possibly control something like that,” he said.
I looked up at him, tilting my head. “Maybe not the panic attacks, but the question shouldn’t have spiraled me. I’ll work on it.”
“Hey,” he said, cupping my face in his hands. “You don’t have to work on it. You’re allowed to feel how you feel.”
I laughed a broken laugh. “Isn’t that my line?”
“You’re a fantastic coach,” he said, then tilted his head. “Is…never mind.”
“What?” I asked.
He hesitated.
“Honesty,” I said. “You know that’s how I operate.”
He sighed. “I was just realizing something,” he said. “That’s why you stay so busy, isn’t it? Not just because you love it, but because you don’t have time to think about the past. Don’t have time to heal…”
I locked eyes with him, stunned down to my core.
“I know you love your volunteer work,” he hurried to continue. “But I’m just realizing it’s more than that. Isn’t it?”
“How?” I asked. “How do you see me so clearly?”
Ethan’s eyes guttered, some emotion churning there I couldn’t read. He leaned his forehead against mine. “It’s easy for me,” he said.
It’s easy for him.
Because somewhere between coaching and joking and flirting, we’d developed something. A connection I didn’t want to put a label on because if I did, it would mean something. Something I wasn’t ready to handle yet.
Ethan held me, quietly and without judgment, the entire ride back to my place. He didn’t push for answers, didn’t constantly ask me if I was okay as my adrenaline subsided and I quieted the memories threatening to leave me a shell panicking in the corner. He was just there for me. This solid, warm, encouraging and hopeful being that just let me work myself through it.
It was the kind of thing I’d expect from my best friends—that silent understanding and support.
And as he walked me up the three flights of stairs to my apartment, I was beyond wrecked. Not only by the panic, but by him.
Because I’d said thirty days, and I’d meant it.
But he was making me want all sorts of things I shouldn’t.
“Do you need me to stay?” he asked as I lingered in my open doorway.
I looked up at him, my heart in my throat. Because I knew he meant it in a non-sexual way. He meant it in a way that he’d hold me all night if I needed him to, just to keep me together.
“You have to go,” I said. “Your meeting, your business trip—”
“I’ll cancel it,” he said. “For you. If you need me.”
My heart expanded in my chest, the old sensation almost painful. “No,” I hurried to say before my heart could convince me to let him. “Thank you,” I continued. “As much as I’d love for you to stay, I want you to go. I want you to get to your meeting. We’ll see each other as soon as you get back.”
“Promise?” he asked, like he needed the reassurance.
“I promise.”
He stepped closer, dipping his head down to brush his lips over mine.
The kiss was soft and sweet and so very different from the way he’d kissed me on the way to the event. It was everything I needed in that moment, and I hated how aptly he could tell the difference in my needs. Hated how much he could read me, how much he cared.
Hated it…because it made me need him in a way I’d promised myself I’d never need anyone again.
CHAPTER 9
Ethan
Day One:
Me: What would you say is your biggest accomplishment?
Alex: Oh, we’re diving into the deep end, are we?
I grinned down at my phone between meetings, wanting nothing more than to be chatting with Alex face to face, not through text.
