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“I fucked up,” I blurted out the words as I glanced across my table at Nora and Ella.
“Jesus,” Ella said, setting down her coffee. “It’s not even six a.m. yet. What could you have possibly—”
“I think I have actual feelings for Ethan,” I cut her off, and both my best friends’ eyes went wide.
Ella furrowed her brow. “It’s only been a week since your thirty-day thing. Is the sex that good?”
I blew out a breath, my entire body going hot just thinking about it. “It’s not just the sex,” I admitted. “I wish it was. At least then I’d know it was a physical craving, but…”
“There’s more,” Nora said, helping me when I couldn’t find the right words.
“Yes,” I said. “He’s funny and smart and listens…like really listens. He doesn’t just wait for his turn to talk. And you’d think he’d be this arrogant, stuck-up person because of the wealth he has, but he’s not. I mean, yes, he’s cocky, but only where it counts.”
“How is having feelings for him fucking up?” Ella asked. “I know he’s your client, but he won’t be forever, and you two have seemed to work out a good balance between the two.”
“Yeah, is it the anger issue? Are you afraid he’ll hurt you?” Nora asked.
I gasped, shaking my head. “No, not at all,” I clarified. “He’s not like that. He would never hurt me physically.”
“You’re afraid he’ll break your heart,” Ella said.
“Does he have your heart to break?” Nora asked.
“I don’t know,” I said, but even it tasted like a lie. “Maybe? He’s starting to…and I’m scared. My thirty-day rule has always protected me from catching feelings, but he’s different.”
“Honey,” Ella said, looking at me with nothing but love in her eyes. “Your rule is great, but you know it isn’t the reason you haven’t caught feelings.”
I sighed, knowing she was right. “The men I’ve dated in the past, after Jarred—they were great guys, but casual and surface-level fun. We’d agreed to that. But Ethan…”
“He doesn’t feel casual,” Nora said.
“Not at all.”
“Is that because of the work you’re doing?” Ella asked, always the voice of logic I needed. “Because of the thorough analysis you’ve had to do with him as his coach?”
I seriously considered this, then shook my head. “I’ve been thinking about that for weeks,” I said. “It’s not. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since he approached me when I got stood up on that date. And the more I get to know him, the more I really, really like him.”
“And the sex helps,” Ella said, and we all laughed.
“Yes,” I said, taking a deep breath. I was so damn grateful for my friends, knowing I could talk to them about anything without them judging me. “I mean, omigod yes.”
“Damn,” Nora said, fanning herself. “I can only imagine. I mean, the way he looks at you, the way he looks after you.” She sighed dreamily. “Did Alex tell you he sent food to us while we were grading papers the other night?”
“What?” Ella asked.
“Yes,” Nora said. “He found out she hadn’t eaten anything but crackers and sent over a feast. It was awesome and super sweet.”
“I’m so fucked,” I said, cradling my head in my hands.
“You’re not fucked,” Ella said. “Well, I mean, you’re getting fucked, but you’re not fucked.”
I laughed again, groaning. “What am I going to do? I can’t fall for this guy. I don’t do that. I can’t do that. After Jarred…”
Old panic crept up my spine, making my heart palpate.
“He’s not him,” Nora said.
“I know that,” I said. “I really do. But…” I didn’t know how to explain it. “You know I never wanted to be that vulnerable ever again.”
“You can’t control that,” Ella said. “No matter how many rules and boundaries you put in place. If you like someone, you like someone.”
I sighed. “I know.”
“What are you going to do?” Nora asked.
“I don’t know,” I admitted. “I agreed to thirty days, so I guess I should treat it like any other time. See what happens on day thirty? Right?”
They both looked skeptical and this side of pitying me.
“I like him,” Nora said, shrugging. “But you know I’m here for whatever you choose to do. Just because you said thirty days doesn’t mean you have to stick to it. If you think it’d be better to end it now, then end it now.”
My heart rebelled at just the thought of ending anything with Ethan—personal, professional, or otherwise.
“I don’t want to,” I said. “I love being around him. Everything is so easy with him.”
“Not something I’d suspect from a man who punched out a fan at a ballgame,” Ella teased.
“Right?” I shook my head, unable to argue with that. “He’s so much more than that,” I explained. “And I know he has a history of episodes, which is what brought me to him in the first place, but he’s working on it. And he’s never even raised his voice to me.”
