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I raked my fingers through my hair, unable to not stare at my phone, desperate for any sort of response from Alexandra. It was well past midnight, and I was still sitting here hoping she’d call or text back. Hoping that she’d give me a chance to explain, to apologize, to ask for help.
Because I needed it. She’d already helped me so much, but it was clear I still had a ton of work to do when it came to my triggers. And I think tonight had been the biggest test of all—one I’d failed miserably.
Though, if I was being honest with myself, I don’t know what would make me react differently. Knowing that asshole’s history, knowing what he’d put her through, and seeing him trapping her like that? How was I supposed to take a deep breath and work through that?
With control.
With calculated control.
Fuck. Yeah. That’s what I needed to find. That unflinching, cold, calculating control that Gareth seemed to radiate on a daily basis. I’d ask him for some tips, but not tonight. Tonight, I was content to wallow in my own—
Three knocks on my door jerked me out of my thoughts, and I left the comfort of the couch, dragging my feet as I made it to the door.
“I told you, I’m fine,” I grumbled at whichever friend of mine had drawn the short straw to come and check on me as I flung open the door.
“You don’t sound fine,” Alex said, the sight of her standing there stealing the breath from my lungs.
She looked as beautiful as she had at dinner. Only her eyes were red, like she’d been crying, and that fact pierced my chest like a knife.
“Are you all right?” I asked, knowing that mattered more than any breaking she needed to do to me now. I had to know she was okay.
“Yes,” she said. “I’m okay. Is it okay that I’m here?” she asked, lingering in the hallway like this hadn’t been her room too when we’d arrived. Like I hadn’t made her come three times in the king-sized bed in the master that morning.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” I asked, trying to keep my voice even despite the breaks fracturing in my heart. I assumed she was here to get closure, to finalize things between us after ascertaining the risks of staying with me versus returning to her non-committal relationship practices.
I stepped out of the way, giving her as much space as she needed to walk by me without being forced to touch me. It was a physical pain not to reach for her, not to pull her into my arms and beg her not to leave, beg her to be patient with me.
She moved into the room, and I shut the door behind her, lingering near it with my hands firmly in my pockets so I didn’t do anything stupid, like grab her wrist and haul her against me.
Alex turned around when she noted I wasn’t following her, and furrowed her brow.
Great, she didn’t even know where to start with me.
Fine then, I could help her out.
“It’s okay, Alexandra,” I said, mustering all the strength I possessed. “You don’t have to give me a big speech. I get it. I fucked up. I failed. I’m an asshole and will always be an asshole till the day I die. I get angry, I react. I’ll keep working on it, but I can’t lie to you and say I wouldn’t do it again. I would. I saw your abusive ex caging you in and I snapped.” I shrugged. “It may have cost me my team, but I can get over that. I just wish it wouldn’t have cost me you.”
I sighed, swallowing hard as I wondered how we were going to handle the Sherlock situation. I’d move out and give her my house and the dog, just so they wouldn’t have to be separated.
“You’re fine with losing your team?” she asked, a bit of fire sparking in those blue eyes.
Good, she should be angry with me.
“I never wanted to lose them, but since that mistake of mine months ago, I’ve known it was a possibility. I love that team, but it’s a team. I can still watch them, cheer for them.” Fuck me, it did hurt, though. The thought of losing the pride I felt over being the team’s owner…shit, I’d deal with that grief later.
Alex popped her hands on her hips, and I instinctually shifted my weight, preparing for the blow that she was about to deliver. She was nothing if not boldly honest. It was one of the things I loved about her.
“And what part of tonight makes you think you’ve lost me?” she asked, her tone careful and calm as she took a step toward me.
“I saw the look on your face, Alex,” I said. “There was nothing but disappointment in your eyes. Maybe a little fear. You have rules for a reason. We’ve barely gone over your thirty-day contract. I get it. I’m not worth the constant worrying of the next time I’ll explode.”
