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Even if he doesn’t know it.
Me:Why?
Hawk:To look at places in the city to live.
Do not panic, Will. Do not fucking panic.
Me:Oh.
That’s all I get out. That’s all I can type without my heart jumping through my chest and falling onto the floor. I can’t ask my dear friend too many questions. I have to be cool.
Somehow—and I don’t know how, butsomehow—I’ve managed to keep my love for my best friend’s older brother a secret from him. Sure, there was a time or two I almost slipped up. But I’ve managed to operate undetected thus far. And, I plan to keep it that way.
The problem is, I’ve been largely undetected by Derek as well. I can’t exactly go up to him and tell him how I feel. I assume if he ever looked at me as more than his little brother’s best friend, he would make it known. Until then, I will not be the one to make life awkward.
Of course, most of this operation has been from afar. Derek has lived and worked outside the city for a long time now. It’s one thing dodging suspicion for the length of a family dinner during the holidays, or for the few hours he comes in to let his brother tattoo him. Having him here all the time, is quite another.
So why now? Why is he moving to our neck of the woods? Perhaps I’ll text Drew tomorrow and see what I can find out. After Hawk’s mom spilled the beans to Drew about it way back when she was still pretty new to the circle, she’s been the only other person to know. And how their mom knew? I have no fucking idea. Mother’s intuition, maybe? She likely caught me staring at him one too many times when I thought I was being slick about it. But, god love her, she’s kept my secret all this time as well.Bless it.
I throw my phone onto the couch next to me, releasing an audible sigh into my empty apartment. Maybe I should consider getting a cat, or hamster, or at the very fucking least a goldfish. My last boyfriend was allergic to cats and dogs, so I refrained, despite wanting this big orange tabby at the local shelter.
In a little while, after I’ve sat here long enough to get good and tired, I’ll peel out of my clothes and go to bed. As it is, for the moment, I’m stuck on thoughts of Derek. Last I saw him, he was dating a blonde woman, a fellow doctor who worked at the same hospital he does. She was pristine, not a hair out of place. They looked like they were straight out of a magazine.
I’m not a pristine girl. My hair is a different color every few months. I have visible tattoos, multiple holes in my ears, and I like wearing bright red lipstick. My wardrobe consists of outfits best described as Tortured Soul Barbie. Or maybe All Girls Punk Band Barbie.Yeah, I like that.
My point is, men like Doctor Derek Tanner don’t date women like me. He’s polished, his car costs more than living in this apartment for three years would, and he’s got appearances to keep up.
So really, nothing has changed. At the start of sixth grade, when my innocent crush turned into a rampant obsession, he was the most popular eighth grader. A jock, and rumored to be dating a ninth grader already. Kids in the hall literally split like the Red Sea whenever he walked down it. I was the girl who took too many art classes, was constantly drawing all over her own arms, and couldn’t tell you the difference between a touchdown and a hole in the wall. In a word, I was invisible.
Even with Hawk linking us together, we’ve always been worlds apart. And we probably always will be.
IT’S RAINING, IT’S POURING
DEREK
The long corridor in this apartment building reminds me of that scene inThe Shining,and I fully expect twin girls to appear standing in the middle of the hall any moment now asking me to come play with them.
Needless to say, I will not be putting in an offer on this place. Talk about the heebie-jeebies.Ugh.
Apartment hunting in the city has been hell. I haven’t found anything I like, and I’m due at my brother’s place later for dinner. So, I’m running out of time.
Truth be told, I’m simultaneously wondering why I haven’t moved into the busy part of Louisville sooner and why I’m bothering to do it at all. It’s true that I’m actually excited to be closer to my little brother. His recent marriage got me thinking about family in general, and I’m eager to spend more time with all of them.
Hell, maybe I’m eager to have something like he’s got. I never thought Hawk would be settled down sooner than me, given his lifestyle. I sort of imagined him a forever bachelor, grumpy and loner-like, just owning his shop and growling at all the customers.
And me? Dr. Derek Tanner? Well, I’m at the top of my department and can have any woman I want. No, I’m not that into myself, but I do deal in facts. Women throw themselves at me. All. The. Time. Do I take advantage? Well, fuck yes sometimes. Lately though, my bustling social life has been nonexistent. Two doctors left the hospital recently, leaving us a little short staffed. And I’ve taken on extra shifts to help mind the gap.
So, while I have (on occasion) taken advantage of said women who throw themselves at me, it’s been a while since anything has even been thrown my way. And even longer since it was anything I would classify as serious.
Honestly, it gets a little boring. Predictable, even. We date, we have a good time, she wants to get serious, and I have no interest. I don’t think they really care about me, who I am. They see a white coat. They seeDr. and Mrs. on addressed mail. They don’t like me for me—not really. They like me for my status.
Boy, my thoughts are spiraling as this lovely real estate agent is rambling on about the kitchen cabinets. I don’t care about kitchen cabinets. Not at all.Do they open and close? Yes? Okay, let’s move on.I’m too polite to cut her off and tell her this place is creepy. The floors creak, not in a quaint way, but more like every time it happens, I panic as the hair on the back of my neck stands on end and I wait for a ghost to appear.
About thirty minutes later we’re finished and the woman whose name I’ve honestly forgotten walks me out onto the sidewalk in front of the building.
“So,” she says, “what did you think?”
“It’s a really nice place,” I lie. “Let me think about it.”
