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Derek raises his eyebrow in confusion and I can feel panic welling up inside me. I fucking knew this was going to happen. It feels like a train wreck in slow motion.Please don’t. Please don’t.I make every attempt to telepathically beg the guys to hear my thoughts, praying one of them has secretly been a mind reader all this time.
“You have?” Derek asks, clearly still confused.
“Of course. Will’s only been into you for like, forever. We figured it was only a matter of time,” Avery says.
I watch the shock roll across Derek’s face, a palpable change.
“Wait, what?” he says.
“What?” Avery asks.
“Don’t,” I say, stepping back from the circle and turning to find a corner to hide in.
“Wait,” Derek calls out, but I’m already stepping through the crowd toward the back door because I don’t want to have this conversation.
But I’m not exactly faster than Derek. He catches up to me at the back door, where my hands are pressed against it to open it so I can flee into the parking lot.
“What are you doing?” he asks.
“Mentally preparing myself for this conversation,” I say, sighing loudly.
“What conversation? Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?” He follows his question up with a halfhearted laugh, attempting to lighten the mood, not fully understanding what he’s asking for.
“Okay, then ask me, Derek,” I say. “Ask me how long I’ve had romantic feelings for you.”
Derek hesitates for a moment, his eyes darting back and forth between mine and over my face. “Okay,” he says. “How long have you had romantic feelings for me?”
I inhale deeply, pushing my shoulders back. Because at least I’m telling him the full truth instead of someone else, like Drew said. And if this is how things unravel just as this is getting started, well, at least it will be on my terms.
“Derek,” I say, exhaling, “I have been in love with you since we were kids. I couldn’t even tell you our exact ages. Sometime after meeting you and before you made it to high school, that’s about as good as I can do at narrowing it down. And I don’t know why or how. I don’t know. One day, I looked at you, with your lanky arms and knobby knees, not an ounce of manliness yet, and I loved you. And your wavy brown hair. And the gap between your two front teeth before you got braces. I fell in love with you. And it’s been that way for so long, I don’t remember a part of my life that I wasn’t in love with you.”
His face is a blank slate, a hint of surprise just around the edges. He doesn’t know what to say and I don’t blame him. What can a person say to that? Unless they’ve also been secretly harboring a twenty-year love for you in return, there’s nothing they can say, no right answer to make them feel better. Once you put this kind of information out, it’s hard to come back from the awkward space it hurled you into.
I was content. I was happy with him thinking all these feelings were new to both of us. Up until three minutes ago, I was living my dream. Who can say that?
I knew. I knew this would turn it sour. Knowledge isn’t always better.
Love doesn’t always improve a situation. No matter how deep it is. No matter how pure it is. Love can take a beautiful thing and poison it with doubt or disbelief or expectation or false hope. Love is not always the answer. I wish it were.
I wish it held that kind of power.
SOUR PATCH KIDS
DEREK
My mind is racing. If my calculations are correct, that’s like nineteen, twenty years?Twenty years??That’s…insane. That’s crazy. No way.Willette is staring at me, waiting for me to respond to her confession, her declaration. Suddenly, everything feels so heavy. God, that’s such a long time to hold onto something. Hell, to hold onto anything.
“I don’t know what to say,” I admit. Because I really fucking don’t. Not even close.
She laughs, nodding her head up and down in an expectant manner. “I didn’t think you would.”
“It’s just a lot to absorb, to sort through,” I say.
“Yeah, I know. That’s why I didn’t want you to know,” she says, letting out a huff. “Sometimes the truth isn’t always the right way to go.”
We stand there for several more seconds, her eyes cast down at our feet, mine on her. “Let’s get back to the party,” she says. “I don’t want to ruin it.”
I nod, still not really knowing how to respond or even just talk in general.She loves me.That’s wild.
