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I lowered my gaze, unable to stand anymore of the despair in her eyes. “You don’t belong in my world, kitten. I couldn’t stand it if it destroyed you.”
“But I have to sit in the shadows and watch it destroy you?”
I lifted my focus to her face. “I was born into this. I know my fate. I accept it.”
“I don’t.” A tear slid down the corner of her eye and disappeared into her hairline. “I don’t accept losing you. I don’t accept being without you.”
“Fuck, Kami.”
I held her for the second time that night while she cried for me, and I knew it wouldn’t be the last. There was still so much more heartache I would force on her before it was over. I couldn’t protect her from it. No one could. That was the hand we were dealt, but we had three days still to steal what little time we could before we were separated for good.
Pale fingers of dawn were creeping in through the windows when I lifted a slumbering Kami up into my arms. Her tiny frame settled perfectly in all the right places. Her head found its spot against my shoulder, her face in my neck. Her skin smelled of sweat and roses, and me. My scent lingered with hers on everything.
My skin.
My hands.
My brain.
It seeped into my very soul, creating a fragrance I knew would haunt me for the rest of my life.
At least I have that, I told myself as I took her to her room. If that night was the only one I would have with her, at least I had it.
Was it selfish?I asked myself as I pulled the sheets around her naked silhouette. Was I being too paranoid? Men in my position lived full, mostly unhindered lives. They married and had children and ultimately wound up in prison or dead. Thosewere our options. Some of us got clean-ish. We straightened out our businesses and kept the shady stuff to a minimum. But the Medlock empire was too vast for that. It was five generations of building and monopolizing the industry. My family had at some point had their hands in everything. If it could be profited from, we were already dominating it.
We weren’t good people.
Sure. We gave generously and heavily to organization and charities. We made it a rule to give back forty percent of every earning to make up for all the bad things we did to make that money. Did it atone for our sins? Maybe? Who was I to say but one thing was very clear — men like me didn’t get happily ever afters. We didn’t get full and comfortable lives. The general rule was to never bring someone into the life that didn’t grow up in it. Their innocence, no matter how much you prepare them would get them killed.
Kami had no idea what she was asking. She liked the idea of my world because Lavena and the others were in it, but she couldn’t possibly know what would be expected of her, how much she would lose, and I couldn’t watch that. I couldn’t lose her.
Maybe I was selfish.
Maybe submitting to what we both wanted desperately was the lesser of two evils.
Maybe a short life with her was better than a long one without.
I brushed back a dark lock of hair off her neck and shoulder. I let my fingers linger on her cheek. She stayed asleep, giving me too much opportunity to study her when all her defenses were down.
Defenses.
I almost laughed.
She had none.
She had zero self-preservation.
She talked to everyone.
I’d never met anyone so fucking open and trusting. She followed the girls home randomly one day just because Lavena told her to for God sakes. But that made her Kami. That unbelievable sweetness. Everyone who met her loved her. She just had that pull with people.
It would also be the very thing that would get her hurt.
A kind heart was easy to manipulate.
A soft heart was easy to kill.
Tugging the sheets more tightly around her, I left to clean our mess. I brought her clothes up and left them at the foot of her bed. I straightened the throws and pillows around the sitting room. Then, I pulled out the compact upholstery cleaner and set to work erasing all traces of us off my mother’s sofa.
