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“Apex, come sit with us,” Giselle says from the couch. “Amelia needs a lap to sit on.”
Giselle can always read me. I might look tense and scary, but she sees the slight differences between when I’m angry and when I’m coming out of my skin with anxiety like right now.
I settle next to Giselle and kiss her softly. She smiles as if she isn’t worried. Her eyes don’t hide her fears.
“Everything will be okay,” she tells me. “I know it will.”
Her voice breaks on the last word before she takes an unsteady breath and glances back at Amelia. The toddler stops sucking on her thumb and breathes faster. She is still so excited to have a new mommy. But she’s also jealous of the baby. Amelia thinks people will forget her like her first mommy often did.
Not that my older daughter says any of these things. I can read the fears on her face. When we first met, she was miserable and afraid. Then, Amelia was scared but relieved. She loved Giselle’s lap. Now, another little person has taken over her safe space.
“Do you want to sit with me?” I ask Amelia.
The girl looks at Giselle and seems so sad. If I wasn’t scared to hold tiny Anna, I’d offer to take the baby so Amelia could get Giselle’s lap back.
“You can see Mommy better from my lap.”
I don’t know if Amelia really understands, but she slides off the back of the couch and into my lap. She gets that scared look in her blue eyes as if I’m too big and monstrous.
I patiently watch her until she settles down. When I stroke her head, she smiles at Giselle to see if her mommy noticed. Once she gets a reassuring smile from the person she loves most, Amelia rests her head on my chest and starts sucking her thumb again.
Giselle plays with Amelia’s bare foot and lets her gaze wash over our new family.
“I’m afraid,” she says in a quiet voice. “I ran away and got a good life. I’m afraid everyone else will be punished because I got lucky.”
“You deserve to be happy,” I say and cover her hand with mine.
Amelia puts her hand on top of mine and sucks harder at her thumb. Despite how quietly we’re speaking, she senses the tension in the room.
“They’ll be back tomorrow, and it’ll be over,” I promise Giselle while my fingers play with Ameila’s hair.
The little girl settles down from my soft touch. My reassuring words soothe the fear in Giselle’s pale blue eyes.
In the past, I felt powerful when I could use my size to scare or hurt people. There was no value in being calm or soft.
Right now, I’m scared for Ghost and the others. I also feel guilty for being in my beautiful home rather than facing danger.
However, I swallow those bad feelings and prove my newer skills by calming my family.
