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I allow a little grin when I think of my son. Lando wasn’t a super special kid. He was just normal. He got scared in the dark and laughed at farts. He liked candy and chicken nuggets. His favorite toy was a goofy bear doll I got him at the carnival. He was just a kid, but he was mine, and I miss him.
“I think I want another kid,” I admit as I stare at my hands. “I know that kid won’t be Lando. It might be a girl who makes no sense to me. Or a weird kid who bites and rubs snot on everything. Kids are all different. I get that. But I miss using the part of my heart only Lando touched.”
“You miss being a dad,” Talon says softly.
Nodding, I feel old and emptied out. My youth is gone. I didn’t do anything important with my time alive. I was unhappy a lot. I never loved anyone right. I couldn’t connect with my sister. I didn’t try hard enough with my son. I’m not sure how to make Talon happy.
“Growing up, Dire and I always said we didn’t want kids,” Talon says and rests her soft cheek against my arm. “I have no urge for one. But when I think of you and me having a kid, it seems less scary. Dire still swears she can’t deal with a kid. That’s probably going to stick. But over the last few years, as you got closer to your release date, I started noticing people’s kids and wondering what our baby would be like.”
“I wasn’t a good father.”
“You weren’t a bad father, either.”
“I should have been better.”
“It’s hard to do the right thing in the moment, but the answers are always easier in hindsight.”
Talon holds my hand. She seems so delicate sometimes. I’m certain my love will break her. Other times, she seems terrifying. That’s when I’m certain her love with destroy me.
“To have a kid, we’d need to fuck,” I point out when she nuzzles my shoulder and awakens my dick.
“Not necessarily. We can do it like Aqua and Jelly Bean did with a turkey baster and Smoke’s jizz in a cup.”
I frown at Talon, only to find her trying not to laugh. She snorts and fights back the giggles.
“I love you, Jester,” she says, still grinning like a jackass. “I think you’re really hot. I want to fuck, but I’m scared. If you’ll really wait a while longer, I know I can get past my fear. You’re too sexy for me to avoid touching.”
I cup Talon’s hand in both of mine and ask, “If we get stuck with a daughter, can we name her Leia?”
“Sure. A princess who kicks ass is a great role model for our little hypothetical daughter.”
I imagine “ballsy princess” is how Talon views herself. Yet, like Leia, she often needs someone to swoop in and rescue her. Right now, she’s looking for protection from her own fears.
“If it’s a boy,” I say as I stand to find a clean shirt, “I’m thinking Chewy or Han.”
“Sure.”
Even without seeing her reaction, I’m certain she’s rolling her eyes.
“Aqua and Jelly Bean are naming their daughter Vada because they love that movie ‘My Girl.’”
Not knowing what the hell she’s talking about, I just nod. Talon stands to go downstairs, but I stop her by planting a kiss on her startled lips. Before she can panic, I drag my mouth from hers and head downstairs to find a pair of boots.
As we walk to HQ, Talon watches me in her dreamy chick way. I’ll need time to get used to her mood swings. At least she isn’t treating me like the enemy right now.
Once inside HQ, I spot a bunch of founders at one long table. They look at me as if I’m supposed to join them. Knowing Talon won’t want to sit with them, I just keep walking behind her. We end up at a table with Ominous, Dire, Aqua, and Jelly Bean.
“I’ve made a decision,” Talon announces toward the end of the meal after she’s goofed around with her friends and flipped off her oldest brother.
Smirking at Dire, Ominous mutters, “This should be good.”
“Tonight, when Jester and I go for a ride,” Talon continues, ignoring her mentor’s taunt, “I will be riding bitch.”
No one responds to her announcement, though I mentally wear a smug grin.
“There’s no shame in that,” Talon says when no one speaks. “Jelly Bean rides bitch. Luca does, too.”
“That’s true,” Dire says, throwing her friend a bone. “And Luca can kick your ass, but she still climbs on behind Ghost all the time. Riding bitch doesn’t make you a puny chump at all.”
