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I’ve indulged in tears often enough these last few days. It always begins the same way. I start reliving every moment that Uri and I have shared together. Not just the intimate stuff, but everything else. The conversations. The picnics. The side glances that felt like more than just a little peek when I thought he wasn’t looking.
Despite the awful things that he said to me, I can’t bring myself to believe that everything we shared before then was a lie.
I keep going around in circles until my head hurts and my stomach aches and I can’t think straight anymore. I’ve contemplated asking Elle for help, even if it means involving the police, but I still can’t bring myself to pull the trigger.
Why,though?
Why am I still protecting him?
I’ve asked that question to the empty room more times than I can count. I have yet to receive an answer.
I spring to my feet when the bolt unlatches. Svetlana appears like clockwork for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This is not one of her standard times. Which means it might just be—
“Lev.”
He pushes his head in uneasily, his eyes flitting around the room like he’s scared of something jumping out at him.
I haven’t seen him for days, so I assumed that Uri had ordered him to stay away from me. But I’m so relieved to see him. I’m so desperate for human contact. For any kind of contact.
He slips into the basement and closes the door but he stays pasted to the wall. His eyes never stop moving.
“Lev,” I say gently as I approach him, “are you okay?”
“I… need something.”
I smile reassuringly. “Okay. What do you need? If you want, I can help you look.”
“I need… something… I can’t remember.”
“That’s okay. How about you just hang out down here with me and I’m sure you’ll remember at some point?”
He nods like he’s agreeing, but he still doesn’t move from where he’s plastered against the wall. He lifts his eyes to me and then drops them again. As he does, he mumbles something so fast that I have no idea what he said.
“I’m sorry, Lev. I didn’t catch that.”
“You looksad.”
Oh.I keep my cringe on the inside so he doesn’t see it. “I suppose I was a little sad. But I’m not anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re here, duh.”
That gets him to lift his head again at least. There’s a tiny, shy smile playing at the corners of his mouth. I gesture for him to join me in the reading nook that I’ve turned upside down in the last twenty-four hours.
“W-what did you do?” Lev asks, stopping short.
Oh, shit.
“Sorry, Lev. I was bored and I just started moving things around. If you don’t like it, we can change it back.”
His eyes dart around the space, taking it all in. All the changes. The little signs that I’ve been here, in his space, with his things. The panic builds in him like steam pressure. The speed of his eye twitches increases, his chin wobbles, the fingers of one hand tap against the inside of his other wrist again and again…
“Lev, listen to me, it’s all gonna be okay. Just breathe, okay? Just breathe.”
He takes three big breaths but his eyes never stop their erratic veering. “I… I… I…”
“Lev, sweetheart, listen to me. Nothing has changed here. Your books are still your books. Your chairs are still your chairs. Your beanbags are still your beanbags. It’s just a different set up… and it works a little better. See? You can reach the shelves from here.” I’m dancing around like an idiot trying to distract him from his too-big feelings. “We can put everything back if you really don’t like it. I promise.”
