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“You’re not to blame for what your father did. You…”
“What if I’m like him, Savannah? I’m a killer too, remember?”
“You killed him because he was going to hurt you and your baby. In that moment you saw him for what he was, and you weren’t going to be his next victim. You are nothing like your father.” I take her hand in mine and squeeze it tight. “Stop blaming yourself and thinking you don’t deserve this. You got a boyfriend who’s crazy about you and is building you the perfect cabin. The two of you are about to have a beautiful baby. Focus on that,” I tell her, relieved when Leia smiles and pulls me in for a hug. The wind picks up again, raising up the leaves that havefallen on the ground around us and when we hear a crash, we both jump.
“Let’s get the hell outta here.” I drag her up off the step so we can race back to the car and head for home.
“Where is everyone?” I ask Maisie when we get back to the ranch, she’s sitting out on the porch, rocking on the chair and looking a little spaced out.
“Maisie, are you okay?” I wave my hand in front of her face.
“I’m just tired.” She shakes herself out of whatever trance she’s been in and focuses on us with a half-hearted smile. “Everyone’s gone out to the grid to build windbreaks, there’s a storm coming in a few days and they wanna protect the herd.
“Maisie, you look real pale,” Leia points out. “If you’re not getting any sleep, me and Wade can help with the babies through the night?”
“It’s not that. They’re all pretty much sleeping through now. I just feel exhausted. I put the boys on the floor a second ago to play and I just dropped off, that's why I came out here. Teresa thought the air would do me some good. I have this nasty taste in my mouth too, I can’t describe it but it won’t go away, not even after I brush my teeth.”
“Oh my god. You're pregnant,” Leia announces, causing me and Maisie to look up at her in shock.
“I can’t be pregnant I’m breastfeeding.” Maisie shakes her head. “No. Let me rephrase that. I can’t be pregnant because I just hadthreebabies and my husband is running for mayor.”
“Maisie, the breastfeeding thing is a total myth, trust me, I’ve read just about every book on pregnancy and parenting there is to try and prepare me and Wade for what’s coming. All ofthem say the same thing. They also say that after giving birth, a woman is at her most fertile.
“Oh my god.” Maisie stands up, slamming her hand over her mouth and letting the blanket she’s got around her shoulders drop onto the chair. “Why didn’t anyone tell me all this? I need to get to the pharmacy right now.”
“I’ll drive you.” Leia rushes back toward her car.
“Savannah, can you help Teresa with the kids? I’ll be right back and don’t you dare say anything to her or Garrett.” Maisie chases after Leia and hops into the passenger seat.
“Never a dull moment.” I shake my head as I walk inside the house. Teresa is on the couch feeding Breanna the milk Maisie must have expressed while tapping her feet and keeping the boys bouncing in their chairs.
“Hey.” I smile at her as I head upstairs. She looks as if she’s got things handled here. When it comes to her grandbabies, Teresa is all in. I have no doubt in my mind that she’d be happy if Maisie and Garrett were having another.
“Where were Leia and Maisie headin’?” Garrett steps out of his office with a curious look on his face.
“I thought you were building windbreaks?” I smile awkwardly when I realize I’m gonna have to come up with a lie.
“I don’t get to do that kinda thing anymore. Too busy reading through speeches and proposals.” He holds up the documents in his hand as evidence.
“So where were they goin’? I saw ‘em leave through the window. They looked in a rush.”
“They ermmm… There was a sale.” I think fast.
“A sale?” Garrett frowns at me.
“Yeah. Me and Leia saw it as we were driving through town, that cute little boutique they talk about all the time has a sale on, and as soon as we told Maisie she insisted Leia take her there straight away. You know how that girl loves to shop.” I laughnervously when I figure he isn’t buying what I’m telling him. “Anyway, I need to check on something outside.” Turning on my heels, I head out the door and rush out to the yard before I can fuck up anymore.
The yard is empty and I rest my back against the stable, taking in the peace and quiet for a little while. My mind wanders back to the line camp and the storage barn and how good it feels to have Cole’s fingers touch my skin. Last night, eating across the table from him and not being able to touch him felt like a punishment. I know how hard he’ll be working today, but I hope he might find a little energy for me when he’s finished.
I take the opportunity while it’s quiet and make my way over to the bunkhouse, it’s empty like I expected, and when I see a notepad on the table I flick through the pages of card scores until I get to a blank one. Taking the sharpened low pencil beside it, I scribble Cole a note.
Meet me at the line camp 9 pm
I know which bunk belongs to him from when I followed him in here the other day, and I head on over to place the note on his pillow. I can’t help wondering if he ever thinks about me when he lies here at night. I think about him all the time. I’m always daydreaming about the way his eyes look at me or the way he smells. My hand instinctively reaches for his pillow and lifts it up from the mattress so I can take in a sniff of that manly smell I just can’t get enough of.
“You’re pathetic.” I laugh to myself and as I flip the pillow back up the right way and go to place it back down, something falls out from the bottom of it. I crouch onto the floor and when Ipick it up and see what it is, a pain I shouldn’t feel slices through my chest.
I never got to meet Aubrey but I know the photo I’m holding is of him with her. I’ve heard Maisie and the others talk about how much he loved her and how he lost a part of himself when she died, even though she was married to another man. I see the way he’s smiling in the picture and can’t remember a time when I’ve never seen him look that happy with me. It puts a lump in my throat, not just because it hurts, or because I will never make him feel the way she did, but because I pity him.
