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Love,
Lucy
Ishake my head. “No.”
I clutch my chest; my heart feels as though it is breaking into a million pieces. I can’t breathe. I am hyperventilating. I suck in a breath but no air fills my lungs.
“Caleb, breathe.” Ali shouts as she stands up rubbing my back.
My hands shake as I re-read her letter to me. She must have written this before she….
I can’t even finish my sentence as anger takes over. I grab my lamp and toss it across the room. Shards of glass fly across her pristine floors and I lose it.
“Why would you leave me? You didn’t let me say goodbye.” I sob against the floor.
I can feel the veins on my forehead, my eyes burn from salty tears, my hands ache as I bang against the floor. I loved her with everything I had. I worked hard for the life we lived. It was comfortable, adventurous, romantic. She was the love of my life. How can we go from I will see you tomorrow baby to she is gone, and I can’t find her?
“Oh god, please help me.” I yell out.
Ali immediately drops down to her knees. She doesn’t pay attention to the cuts from glass on her knees. She holds my cheeks in her palms and lifts my eyes to hers.
“You listen to me. Lucy loved you. She didn’t want you to see this. She had her father take care of it.”
She pulls out a similar letter, only this one is addressed to her. She doesn’t show me but her eyes tell me. She is protecting me from knowing more than I can handle right now.
“This pain, it won’t last. You will grieve, you will be angry, you will be sad, but you will move past it. She will never leave you. She is always right here.”
She points to my heart, and I close my eyes as I sniff back the snot dripping from my nose.
“I don’t think I will ever be able to love someone as much as I loved her.”
She pats my back still keeping me close to her.
“And that’s okay too. But you know she wants you to be happy, with or without her.” None of that matters. I have no desire to do anything but clean these floors and find out where Lucy is.
“I need to clean this up. She cleaned up this morning and I made a mess.” I attempt to clean up but Ali places her hands on mine. She stands up.
“You will not clean this up. Break something else. We will clean it up later.” She hands me another lamp. “Go on, smash it. Tell the empty room how you feel and then come to the kitchen. I’ll make you some food. Caleb, the mess you make is nothing compared to the mess in your head right now. Get it all out.”
She leaves me alone once more and I let out something fierce deep inside me. I roar out, throwing the lamp til it is just shards scattered across the floor. I cry until no tears trickle down my cheeks. I yell at the walls talking to no one but yelling as if she was still here.
“You said you would never leave me. You lied. You left me here to clean up this mess, your mess.”
I toss the flowers in the garbage can.
“What am I supposed to tell everyone? How am I supposed to live without you?”
I yell up to the ceiling, only to not hear her words back to me.
“You have broken me for anyone else.”
I go through the emotions, sadness, anger, then to the biggest one.
Regret.
“I should have never left. I should have been here. I could have stopped you. I should have seen your pain. I failed you.”
I laid my head down sobbing once more as I smell her pillow and pull it closer to me. The adrenaline must have worn off because I doze off into a deep sleep.
