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He doesn’t put his hands on me but his eyes are still on mine. His eyes tell me there is something he isn’t saying. His brown eyes seem scared, a sight I haven’t seen before. I bite the inside of my lip as I battle between walking away or forgiving him.
“What else happened?”
I instantly regret the question as soon as it comes out of my mouth, as his shoulders drop, his head sags, and he exhales again. A clear sign that I was right. I hold my breath waiting on the inevitable truth.
“I kissed her.”
I pull my hand off his, quickly standing up, processing everything that’s being thrown at me.
“I don’t know what came over me, but I needed to know if there was still something there.”
I shake out my hands as I blow out a breath and tilt my head up to the ceiling. I can’t look at him. I get it, truly I do. When you lose someone and then they come back, if you never had any closure feelings can be high, you panic and seek to see if the feelings are still there. It happened to me. But the thought of his lips on anyone but me, hurts.
“And? Do you?”
“No, there was nothing there. No love. No passion. No spark. I felt relieved.”
I smack my lips together as I turn to face him, huffing as I throw my hands up.
“Well, I am glad one of us is relieved, Caleb.” If my words don’t tell him that I am upset, then my hands on my hips do the trick.
“Would you have rather had me never know if I still had feelings for her, the constant thought of what if or know that I don’t? I thought she was dead, Julia. Come on.”
“Of course, I would rather like for you to know. But that doesn’t mean I have to like my boyfriend’s lips on his ex-wife. Be rational Caleb. Daniel tried to fuck me, and you were pissed.”
His jaw tenses at the mere mention of Daniel, as his eyes lock in on mine. He stands up and grabs my hands, pulling me towards him.
“I love you, Julia. You. Not her. I knew that before I ever knew she was alive. Her being alive has not changed my love for you. I want you. I need you.”
I close my eyes. Seeking help from the power up above, a sign that everything will be okay.
Grandma, give me strength. For I am struggling.
“It’s all too much, Caleb. First, Daniel and now Lucy. Maybe this isn’t meant to be. Both our pasts we tried to run from are coming back to haunt us. How are we supposed to move forward? Can we?”
I push out of his grip as I turn around, my hand covering my mouth as I hold back the sound of my sobs. I can’t breathe, I feel as though I am in a reoccurring nightmare, a constant battle of pain.
“Yes, Julia. Listen to me baby, please.”
He turns me around cupping my cheeks as he tilts my head up to his. The feel of his warm hands sends electricity through my body. I blink up into his eyes and listen to that soft manly voice I love. Willing myself to be strong.
“I opened myself up to the one person who made me feel alive again. I don’t want to lose you. Baby, you are a drug to me. I am addicted to you, you run through my veins. I give my whole body, heart, and soul to you. I have been processing everything, but you have always been on the forefront of my mind since that night. You. Only you.”
My pulse is racing. All I want to do is hug him. He has had all these emotions of her death bottled up inside him. He didn’t want to love again because how could any love compare to hers. And now he found out it was all a lie; it was all for nothing. His hurt and pain was for nothing. All she had to do was tell him the truth but instead she cracked his heart in two. I turn around and walk into the bathroom, concealing the tears that fell as I wipe the evidence away.
“Julia.” Caleb calls out to me as I proceed to light the fireplace and turn on the shower. He walks into the bathroom and grabs my arm.
“Baby, please.”
He falls to his knees, bowing his head. I reach out to lift his eyes to mine.
What is he doing?
“Get up.” I command.
“No, I will beg for your forgiveness. I will grovel at your feet until the day I die, just so you know how much I love you and only you. I love you baby.”
“Get up.” I repeat before pulling my hands out of his grip and walking away from him.
