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She had been working to avoid Maggie in some ways, because things between them were weird right now. They were stuck in some odd, liminal space that was neither sustainable nor enjoyable. But, mostly, she’d been working to avoid herself and the undeniable feeling that she was in love with Maggie, had been for some time, and probably always would be. She wasn’t sure a friendship could go back to the way it was once you realized that. Nor did she want it to. She just… didn’t know what to do with that.
She was too afraid to say anything, to ask, to tell Maggie how she felt for fear of being rejected, for fear of ruining what they had.
And, honestly, for fear of turning into everything her mother had been trying to force her to be for years.
“What if we ruin everything?” Katie whispered, just loud enough for Rea and Malik to hear.
“Isn’t it already ruined?” Rea asked, blunt but careful.
The air rushed from Katie’s lungs. It was brutal, but she was right. From the minute she’d leaned in to kiss Maggie and pulled away with no explanation or discussion, their dynamic had been ruined. They were balancing, terribly, on a knife’s edge. Sooner or later, they’d have to fall one way or the other.
“If you don’t talk about it,” Malik said, practically reading Katie’s mind, “you’re both going to continue avoiding each other, drifting apart, and you’re never going to be able to get back to where you were because there will always be this giant thing between you that you don’t talk about. It happened. It’s not going anywhere.”
“And if we talk about it?” Katie had thought through every option this week. She already knew the answers. She just needed to hear them from other people, people who were at least somewhat removed from the situation.
“You’ll at least have addressed it.” He shrugged. “I don’t think it’s likely, but if you don’t want to give it a go—”
“Why would you not, though?” Rea interrupted. “You’re both completely in love with each other and both being annoyingly foolish not just talking about it.”
Before Katie could say anything, Malik cleared his throat and continued, gentler than Rea. “If you don’t, at least you’re on the same page. It might be awkward for a while, but you’ll both heal and move on, together. Because it won’t be an unknown. It won’t be something you don’t talk about and have to tiptoe around.”
Katie nodded. She knew it made sense. And, even with how much getting called out stung, she knew Rea was right—at least about her. She was completely in love with Maggie, and she was being an annoying fool.
“And,” Malik said, grinning now, “the most likely outcome is that you talk about it, get together, and live your happy life forever and ever together.”
“What if it ends?” Katie’s eyes stung painfully as she asked. That was what it came down to, really. The ending. She didn’t want it to. She wanted Maggie in her life forever.
But they were right. She was already ending it by doing nothing, and that was infinitely worse.
Rea softened. “I really don’t think it’s going to. You two are made for each other. But, either way, you can’t live your life worrying about a terrible ending to the best thing in your life. If it does end, it’s you two. You’ll navigate it with grace and love, and everything will be okay in the end.”
Katie chewed her lip again. Maybe Rea was right. She couldn’t imagine a single reason she’d never want to be with Maggie, but, if Maggie didn’t want to be with her, or if they one day outgrew each other, she’d still want to be friends. She’d want to move forward with love and friendship.
It didn’t mean thinking about it didn’t hurt, but it did soothe the fear slightly.
She laughed, the sound a little more stuffy than she’d have liked. “I’ve spent all this time talking about how my job is my life and I don’t have time for romance.” She winced. “All this time telling my mom I didn’t have time for it.”
They both laughed and shared a look before Rea said, pointedly, “You always find the time for Maggie.”
And that was true too, wasn’t it? Katie had little time for anything in her life outside of work. She saw her work friends, her family sometimes, and she often had to cancel or miss holidays and events. But she never canceled on Maggie. She was never too busy for Maggie. And Maggie was never too busy for her.
Maybe she should have known all along.
She let out a long, nervous breath. “So, I guess I have to figure out a way to tell her now…”
Rea laughed. “Naked and under her Christmas tree.”
“I don’t think so.”
Malik laughed too. “Hell of a thing to find there.”
Even through the vaguely sick feeling in her stomach and the fluttering in her chest, Katie found it in herself to laugh with them. She wasn’t going to do it that way, but she was going to do it.
Falling in love with the one person who truly saw and understood her wasn’t the same as dating one of her mom’s friends’ kids. It didn’t mean she had to give up everything that was important to her. It was more that she’d found the one thing she didn’t want to give up, no matter what else was happening in her life. And that was both terrifying and exhilarating.
Chapter Ten
Maggie kept Mariana’s words in her head as she walked to Katie’s apartment. She clung to them desperately. Mariana’s utter confidence that Katie would take Maggie’s feelings well, and her promise that, on the bizarre off chance that Katie didn’t feel the same way, they’d be okay as friends.
