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I realize I’ve stopped trembling, and sounds have started to filter in now that I’m no longer blocking my ears so tightly.
I blink a couple times, reorienting myself.
“Feel better?” Nolan murmurs after a moment.
I give a little nod, still avoiding his gaze. My cheeks are warm, but it no longer feels like someone’s holding me over a fire.
Lowering my hands, I wring them together, flexing, and cracking my knuckles.
Knees bump against mine, and then fingers find my chin.
I shrug away, say, “No,” but he’s determined. Pushy. And for some reason, because it’shim, it doesn’t bother me.
Why? I have no idea. If it was anyone else…
Not good.
I snap my gaze up to his out of pure spite, and his widen.
“Why’d you do that?” I whisper harshly.
He frowns, shaking his head, clearly not sure what I mean.
I wave a hand at the surrounding cave, and shrug, unsure even how to clarify.Why’d you make me scream?just seems silly. Stupid. I know why he did, but I don’t think he knew just how…well, triggering it would be for me.
I didn’t either…
“I fucked up,” he says, searching my eyes. “Shit, Sky, I’m so sorry.”
I scrunch up my face and look away, staring aimlessly around the room. I don’t even know if that’s what it is—I don’t know how I feel, or rather how to explain it. The words just aren’t there, and it makes me want to punch something.
“I just thought…” He trails off, muttering curses under his breath. Then, more strongly, he says, “You’re so different when we’re in my bungalow. So free. But outside of it…It just got me thinking.”
My brow furrows, and I cock my head, curious. “Thinking about what?”
“Well, for one, given what you told me about your parents, and the schools you got sent to, I figured you never really got to…let go much. Be angry, without being punished for it.” He pauses meaningfully. “You’re so strung tight sometimes, like you’re…holding so much in, and I just wanted to give you a chance to finally let it out.Withoutrepercussions.”
I nod. “Screaming.”
“Well, yeah. I mean, it’s a good start.” Again, he pauses. Sighing, he says softer this time, “It’s something I did growing up. My uncle and I. He’d take me hiking, and we’d find a cave, and just…scream. It felt good.”
I frown.
“I don’t know what just happened,” he says in a hush, his voice gentle, “but I’m listening, if you want to tell me. Or we can forget all about this stupid idea, and go do something else. I never meant to make it worse. I thought—”
Shaking my head, I finally turn, meeting his gaze head-on. “Screaming’s never really worked out well for me.”
He nods, which duh, he knows this.
My lips thin, and I study him more closely, debating how much I want to tell him.
“It didn’t just start with Canaan,” I say slowly, measuring each word carefully. “But Canaan…they made it worse.”
He frowns, nodding some more, telling me it’s okay, encouraging me to keep going.
So I take a big, deep breath, and start from the beginning.
CHAPTERTWENTY-FIVE
