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“It’s also not fair to those we hurt along the way. The ones who paid the price of our mistakes,” he adds, adjusting his glasses. “Yes, some might feel differently, depending on the gravity and severity of the situation, but that’s grief talking. Their anger is justified, and during that time, yes, they might want to punish us. And initially, yes, we can allow it.” His gaze flicks to mine again. “It wouldn’t be right if we didn’t. Feeling the remorse, holding ourselves accountable, suffering… It’s what makes us not only human, but shows we’re capable of healing. Changing. Being better.”
Next to me, a hand reaches out. Knuckles drag over the side of my thigh between our chairs.
“It’s why rock bottom is such a pivotal moment in recovery. You might know you have a problem for years—admitting it to ourselves is rarely the issue; we know we’re addicts well before we seek out help—but sadly, it’s oftentimes the case where it takes something horrible and life-shattering to give us the kick in the ass we need.” He chuckles tiredly at that.
Someone sniffles. I even feel my own throat squeezing with tears at what he’s saying.
“And it’s always when we least expect it. We let our guards down once, and that’s when it strikes. Addiction is…insidious. It’s a liar. It’s a trickster.” Kevin squints, looking around the circle. “And we’re not invincible to its charm, no matter how strong we think we are. No matter how far we think we’ve come. It will always be there, lying in wait. That’s just fact.”
My eyes slide shut.
Next to me, I hear a shuffle. Then feel pressure against my thigh.
Skyler.
“We can’t forget. We have to remember what we did. What led us to this very moment. The thing that haunts us most. But it doesn’t mean we can’t forgive ourselves. It doesn’t mean we have to live a life of penance, never allowing ourselves anything good again.” Kevin pauses meaningfully. “We deserve good things. Say it with me.”
I swallow, my voice coming out barely audible as the room fills with quiet, discordant murmurings. “We deserve good things.”
The thigh pressed against mine presses into me harder, and I press right back. Prying my eyes open, I swivel my head, glancing over at Skyler.
I know he senses me watching him, but he stares pointedly down at his lap. His throat bobs, and his cheeks flush.
My vision blurs. Emotion searing the back of my eyes.
I’m going to miss this.
Miss him.
Clearing my throat, I divert my gaze and slouch lower in my chair. Between our thighs, I let my hand fall between us.
“We deserve grace,” Kevin says pointedly, and we all follow suit repeating the affirmation, more in-sync this time. Someone is outright crying, but I don’t tear my gaze from Kevin. He nods, looking around the room, seemingly pleased—determined, like he’s trying to infuse strength into us by mere words alone.
Fingers brush mine, and I inhale shakily, latching on, twisting my pinkie loosely with Skyler’s.
If anyone looked closely enough, I’m sure they’d notice. But I can’t find it in me to care. We haven’t exactly made it a secret how close we’ve become in the last few weeks. We spend all our time together, with the exception of our individual therapies and the occasional Focus activity where we’re randomly paired off with someone else.
Whether or not anyone suspects there’s more than just friendship here…
Who knows?
Who cares?
The weeks are dwindling down. We only have two left. Fuck it. Fuck it all.
Kevin’s gaze drifts around the room, taking in each face. “And we deserve love.”
Something crumbles in my chest at the same time the fingers curled around mine twitch, tightening. Or maybe it’s mine that moved, twisting around his, before I can stop it.
My voice is gone this time as I mouth the words. And in the corner of my eye, Skyler’s lips shiver as he fights to do the same.
We both know Kevin doesn’t mean love in the romantic sense.
That’s not at all what this is about.
And yet…
And yet.
