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Even group therapy. Just seeing him sitting there, knowing I’m not alone in this…
That I’ve never been alone in this.
It’s as if those first few weeks without him never even happened.
There’s only this. Only him. Only us.
His cock—his body—his touch…
None of it means anything withouthim.
Fucking hell. I’m not even making sense anymore.
Grabbing my boots, I angrily shove them on, frustrated with myself. This isn’t what Skyler and I agreed to.
Temporary. This was always going to be temporary. You’re getting attached because it’s easier than dealing with reality. Easier than craving a drink. That’s all this is.
At that thought, a new image invades my head. The guilt from earlier returning ten-fold, replacing all my anguish and confusion over Skyler.
Abby.
My daughter.
My greatest accomplishment, and the source of my most heartbreaking regret.
The reason I’m even here to begin with.
She was just under two years old last time I saw her. The day I fucked everything up. That was, what, four months ago now?
My gut feels hollow at the thought of all that I’ve missed. All the milestones I’ll never get back. Is she walking now? She could barely stand on her own two feet last I saw her. A late bloomer, the doctor said, though she was already miles ahead in the talking department. Chattering away like she was making up for the babbles and seemingly endless nights of crying throughout the first year of her life.
Mostly, nonsense, but still. I’d be a liar if I said that wasn’t the damn proudest moment of my life. The day she looked up at me with those chubby little fists, a full megawatt, gummy smile stretched across her tiny face, and she babbled, “Da-da, Da-da, Da-da.”
No warning.
No false start.
She said it like she knew who I was all along, and could finally tell me as much.
God, I miss her.
So much, it feels like I’m suffocating.
Which is why I’ve made a point to try and not dwell on what I can’t change.
Heading up the path, I nod at a couple guys walking past, but they’re deep in conversation and don’t seem to notice me. It’s still early evening, but thick clouds have rolled in, making it feel much later, casting the world in dull shades of gray.
Somewhere nearby, music’s blasting—I don’t recognize the song, but it’s got a lulling, somber feel to it that gives an air of homesickness. It’s more a feeling, than a craving for a tangible place though.
Like I’ve…lost something, but can’t remember what it is.
My mind travels to Skyler.
The time on his phone had read 4:50. We’re supposed to meet at 5 in the restaurant. As much as I want to grab the food to go, tonight we agreed to try a sit-down meal in public like two civilized adults, and not the sex maniacs we’ve become.
A date.
I shake my head. No, nope, not a date. Just…a change in scenery. Something new to do. Incentive to actually eat our food while it’s still hot before we lose our clothes for the remainder of the evening.
