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“Yeah, I mean, I can’t exactly afford therapy right now, or the meds I was on.” I wince and look away. “But those extra eight weeks at Black Diamond helped alot.Some people with autism, those who need more supports, they might never find all the words they need, if any. Some never do. But for me, it’s like….” I wave a hand and meet Nolan’s gaze once more. “A light-switch was flipped on. For the first time in my life, things made sense. I suddenly didn’t feel like I was drowning anymore.”
His eyes redden at that, and I know what he’s thinking—remembering.
Despite that incident at the bridge having been an accident, I’m not surprised when he asks, “So your suicide attempt…”
I inhale deeply, and blow it out slowly. “I didn’t have the words. I felt trapped. Lonely. I didn’t feel like I had anyone out there. Like I was…banging at a glass wall, screaming for someone to just see me and let me out, but…” I shake my head and shrug. “No one came. No one could hear me. I was completely on my own.”
His jaw clenches and nods.
“But then you came along.” I smile and it’s a tremulous thing. I squeeze his hand, stroking my thumb over his rough knuckles.God, I love his hands. “You saw me and you listened and you just… You never looked away. Not now, not when you know everything that is…me. You still look at me like you always have. Talk to me like you always have. Though…” I narrow my eyes. “You are nicer now.”
He barks out a laugh.
Grinning, I say, “You’ve just always been you. No pretenses.”
He clicks his tongue, ducking his gaze. He nods, as if confirming something for himself. Then, “And that’s why it hurts you when I try to do what’s best for you. It sends mixed signals.”
I kick him in the shin and his gaze flies up to mine.
“Because it’s not what’s best for me. And you have to respect that. But, yes, exactly that.”
He stares at me, then finally, nods. “Fair. No more making decisions for you. Except during sex.” He winks.
“Promise? And for real this time?”
He sighs, looking away, green eyes darting unseeingly around the kitchen. “I promise to try.”
“Nol—”
His gaze locks on mine. “I can’t just turn it off. So be patient, please? Call me out. Kick my shin. Throw sand at me.” He chuckles. “Just…give me a chance to be better. I promise I’ll work on it.”
I suck in my cheek, considering him. “I don’t always get intentions right,” I whisper. “I told you that. I learned that the hard way many times. Sometimes things get blurred in my head, and I miss the mark.”
He nods. “I’ll keep that in mind. I promise you I’ll always be honest and upfront. So if I am struggling, we’ll talk about it, and I’ll explain where I’m coming from. How about that?”
“I can live with that.”
“Good.”
“Good,” I chirp back.
“Since you’re so agreeable right now,” he teases, though if I’m not mistaken, there’s an edge to his tone. “Does that mean I get to pay for your therapy and meds? Because, I’m not going to lie, this is something that I’m going to be a bit of a pain in the ass about.”
Squeezing my knees together, I nod. “Well, technically, I do have more money saved now than I did when I got here.” I warily search his eyes. “I only stayed in McKinley because I ran out, and my car sucks. Once I thought you moved on, all I wanted was to get out of here. But…I couldn’t, and I ended up at Lola’s…”
Pain flashes across his face and he blows out a breath, nodding. “So you cut costs.”
“Yeah.”
“Baby, this is not something you sh—”
“I know. But I’m not insured, so it’s…really expensive. Even if I just got my script filled, the meds alone are pricey. It would’ve set me back weeks, maybe months.”
He gives me a considering look. “Do you still plan on leaving?”
I glance away, crossing my arms, forcing him to let go of my hand. “I don’t want to. And not just ’cause of you. I…I like it here. I like my friends. I like Lola’s.”
In my periphery, he’s nodding. “Well, that’s good then. That you like it here. It’ll make this a lot easier.”
