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We should’ve stuck together.
All of us.
Anything could fucking happen.
I bounce my knee harder, faster. My chest squeezes, pulse quickening. That ugly thing in the recesses of my mind slithers forward, shining light on memories I’d much rather never face again.
Reliving it doesn’t change anything.
Doesn’t erase what happened.
And it most certainly does not bring her back, or change what could and will happen to everyone else I care about—be it tomorrow, next week, in five years, or fifty.
Loss—it’s a part of life I’ll never be able to escape. And nothing short of taking myself out first will save me from that fate.
Cracking my neck, I look around, hyper-focusing on each sound and sight my senses gather. I inhale, count to five, and then I exhale.
Breathe. Just breathe.
And I do just that.
I go to take another sip of water.
“He’s fine.”
My fingers twitch, and I miss my mouth, icy water dribbling down my chin. Quickly setting the glass down, I wipe my face with the back of my arm.
Shawn meets my wide gaze with a look I can’t place, and I feel my heart skitter to a stop. “What did you say?”
“I said they’re fine.”
No you didn’t.
Or maybe he did.
I’m fucking losing my mind.
Music kicks on, filling the crowded space, and warring with the rest of the noise. It’s Pearl Jam, from the sounds of it. One of their older, less known hits. Can’t remember the name.
Jeremy would know.
Shawn’s eyes drift down to my neck, and something moves across his expression, there and gone too quick for me to grab. I follow his gaze with my hand, feeling around, not surprised to find another rogue feather.
Blue this time.
I roll it up in a napkin.
I lost the feather boa hours ago—and by lost, I mean I conveniently left it in the bathrooms at the park after one too many guys hit on me.
I felt bad. And I suddenly got what Jeremy meant earlier, when we were walking in the parade. I suddenly felt like a liar for wearing it. Like I had no right. It’s just a symbol—three colors that mean nothing on their own—and yet what right do I have to overstep like that, and invade a space that isn’t mine?
Sure about that?
Clenching my teeth, I slam down a steel wall on that line of thinking.
It doesn’t fucking matter. None of it does.
I look down at the table, chewing my lip ring as I run my fingers through my hair.
