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“He doesn’t know,” she grits out. Her face reddens, and my gaze widens, comprehension barreling over me.
Right.
“I just…” She clamps down on her molars, jaw hardening. Then, “If the waiter asked me out, I could say yes.” She waves at her chest. “My shirt is basically a neon sign, broadcasting it to anyone and everyone, and…and it’s okay. Here. But I don’t live here, so obviously I can’t…I can’t…” She pauses, shaking her head. She starts ripping at her napkin with more gusto. “It’s just…it was so much easier before, you know?”
“Before?”
She shrugs, her eyes glistening through her bitter smile. “When I was a kid.”
Sucking in my cheek, I nod. “Yeah…growing up is a bitch like that, huh?”
Her fingers still on the ripped napkin. They tremble faintly. I wonder if I said the wrong thing.
“Look, I know I can’t relate to what you’re going through. I don’t mean to minimize it, or anythi—”
“I know,” she whispers near soundlessly.
“I just—I love you and I’m here for you, whatever you need. You’re my baby sister, you always have been and that will never change. Ever.”
Her reddened eyes fill when they meet mine. “I know,” she says strongly.
I search her gray-blue eyes. “It won’t be like this forever. Jeremy got out of that town, you could too.”
He brow creases. “You mean college.”
I nod.
“But…”
“If I could, I’d keep you a kid forever, and keep you close.” I smile sadly. “But that’s not realistic. And as much as letting you go will kill me, I’d rather die than watch that town suffocate you.”
Her eyes widen, cheeks reddening.
“Living in fear is no way to live.”
She watches me for a long moment.
Then, nodding, she clears her throat and looks away. “It’s whatever. I have no interest in dating right now anyway. The guys at school are stupid and immature and only care about one thing.”
I wince.
“So it’s bearable right now. It just…this weekend showed me what it could be like, you know?” Her gaze flits to mine, and she shrugs. “I had awhat ifmoment, that’s all.”
Nodding, I say, “I get it.” I wave a hand. “Well, I don’t get it, but—”
She chuckles, and the tension in my chest eases. “I know.”
A long moment passes. A glance over her head shows Shawn waiting at the counter. I frown, wondering if he’s waiting for us to join him, not wanting to intrude.
Phoebe groans suddenly, shoving the pile of ripped up napkin away. “Ugh, I don’t know…”
“What?” I press gently.
“Sometimes I just feel so torn,” she rushes out. “Like on one hand I should be embracing my identity—my transness—being proud of who I am… and on the other…” She lifts her head. “I’m just so… relieved I get to live comfortably and keep it to myself.” Her brow knits. “Like whydoesit have to be a statement? I pass. No one knows when they look at me. I’m safe and happy like this…”
She refocuses her attention on me. “But I feel like I’m… letting my community down or something by hiding it.”
“Phee…” I shake my head.
