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No use shoving it away. It will always be there, and it’s the least I fucking deserve. Feeling it…
We start walking in the direction of Will’s parents house, my mind continuing to drift, mood plummeting once more.
Shawn and Phoebe hang back a bit, talking amongst themselves, content to leave me be, at least for the moment.
More guilt stacks on with each block we pass, spurring my thoughts into a familiar frenzy, as our conversation in the diner replays through my head.
Did I fuck it all up?
Did I miss something?
Should I have checked in with her more?
Am I failing at this… again?
We stop at the intersection and wait to be signaled to cross. And I let my eyes fall shut, just for a moment.
One breath in.
One breath out.
Inhale…
Hold it.
“Beating yourself up over it won’t erase what happened.”
My chest squeezes at the voice in my head.
I remember the conversation like it was yesterday, even being as out of my mind with regret and grief and withdrawal as I was…
It’s a memory that stands out vivid and bright—my first glimpse of the sun after what felt like an eternity clawing my way up to from the bottom of a black, timeless sea.
I was in the hospital.
It was just under a year after Izzy disappeared.
I was sober for the first time in months, and Jeremy was sitting at my bedside, eyes red and cheeks hollow.
“Give yourself ten seconds. Feel the burn…”
Wetting my lips, I do just that now.
Physically, I’m in Philly.
Mentally, I’m standing across from the one person who’s kept me afloat all these years, who’s seen the ugliest, most broken pieces of me, and yet…
Fell in love with me.
Pain sears my chest, and the Jeremy in my head nods.
His lips don't move, but his words from so long ago echo clearly through my head.
“Whatever it takes… you tell yourself whatever it takes to survive.”
And so that’s what I did.
For years.
