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I’ve only had to explain it to Zeke and Matt. Both are men who’d already been approved of by Eian, and who’d been in the military for more than a decade. They both understand the need for secrets and the power they hold. They both respect me and my choice to love my cousin even if I don’t share his beliefs or believe in his methods.
Everyone else always knew. Connor is the son of the man Uncle Ronan ordered to take care of his sister, he’s known since he was a teenager and he started protecting me as soon as he came back from his five-year stint in the military. Connor and Ma, then later Zeke, Matt, and now Tris. That’s everyone who knows on my side.
On Eian’s… well, I don’t have contact with the people who know on his side, and I can only feel sorry I don’t on one count.
Thanks to my sleepless musings, I concluded that Tris is especially equipped to understand the situation, to not toss out my behavior as paranoid. He understands public perception, I believe he’ll see—and agree—that continuing to keep this a secret is the best course of action.
I hope he does at least.
I was trying to rationalize how big my feelings for him were already before he met Eian. Now, I don’t care about figuring that out anymore. I’ve always been reckless, but never with my heart. It’s the one part of me that only my family has access to, but Tris…
He probably doesn’t even realize he slithered into it already.
No, I’ve never opened my heart the way I already did to the man in my arms, and although it does make me fear how it could end, I also know I have a lot to offer.
Yes, we’re in a fake relationship in front of the world, but that doesn’t mean we can’t date and be straightforward about it.
So I’m about to lay my cards on the table, here in this bed where we’ve already accepted and welcomed our truest selves.
After, if he agrees, if he wants to see where this can go, where we can take it, I’ll explain all of it. Because if I’m going all in on the idea of a relationship, then I’m going all fucking in. I’ll even share my friendship with Gab… eventually. He already signed the damn NDA, I won’t be risking any more than I already am by explaining it all.
I hate secrets, mainly because I’ve had to keep them all my life. It was always out of my control. Ma chose to marry Theodore Crawford; Dad chose to marry the sister of Ronan Dempsey. Uncle Ronan chose to have dinner with his sister every Monday for thirty fucking years and let his son be close to his cousin. They made those choices, and me and Eian have had to follow the line they drew for us.
Gab and I chose not to tell each other we were buying teams—it was because we both signed confidentiality clauses when we approached the previous owners, but still, it was a choice—and therefore we couldn’t prevent the impact it would have on our friendship. And so that secret is also technically out of my control.
“Morning,” the sleepy croak lowers all my defenses. He rubs his cheek lazily on my shoulder and then tenses. My guess is he realized he’s been drooling all over me, I smirk at the thought of him being mortified by it even after what we did last night. Or early this morning. It's already eight, a later start than normal for me, but it’s Saturday, so I don’t have any commitments.
Tris brings his hands to his mouth and tries to subtly wipe the drool. I mentally pat myself on the back for not chuckling. It’s cute.
“Morning, baby. How’d you sleep?” I keep my toneverycasual.
“Good.”
I kiss his temple in answer. He slides to his side but keeps an arm and a leg over me, I rub my hand over his thigh in appreciation. I’m not ready to stop touching him.
“How did you sleep?” I look into his eyes and see the awkwardness I heard in his question.
“I barely slept,” I answer honestly and smile at his startled expression. “It’s perfectly normal, I think, to not be able to rest after one of your biggest secrets is discovered by a man you’ve known less than a day, isn’t it?”
He takes his time answering. “I guess it is. Come to any fun conclusions?” he asks, and at least he doesn’t sound as uncomfortable as before.
“I did.” I purposely don’t share any more. I want to see if he presses or not.
“Well, share with the class, why don’t you.”
I let out the laugh I’ve been swallowing at his irritated look. That’s more like it.
“First thing I thought of is that we should date,” I say as casually as I can because the fact that I already feel… a lot for Tris doesn’t mean I’m not going to be guarded about my heart. I want to try, but years of trepidation have set in a healthy amount of skepticism. He has the potential to do some real damage, after all.
“We already are,” he speaks slowly and looks at me as if I’m recovering from a head wound.
I roll my eyes at him. “Yesterday we were fake dating. What I want is for us to date in reality, to see if this,” I wag a finger between us, “can be something real. While we keep the farce up, we date, we get to know each other.” I shrug as if either a positive or negative reaction from him would be fine with me.
It wouldn’t, but I go on, casual as ever.
“Then, when we reach the end of our contract, we can decide if we want to keep dating for real or end it, the fake and the real.”
He stares at me steadily and silently for so long that I have to actively stop myself from fidgeting.
