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Ididn’t get JJ’s text until I woke up around noon the next day.Pain and yearning, along with unanswered questions about myself, had made sleeping impossible.It had taken countless swigs of vodka to finally knock my ass out so I wouldn’t remember Xavier’s cheating or have to think about how perfectly JJ had filled me or put actual words to the question about who I was anymore or why he’d walked out on me.
My head pounded, and my mouth felt stuffed with cotton as I blinked his text into focus.
Snorting, I tossed my cell aside without replying.There was nothing to explain.I understood perfectly clear.
Fuck Alex for coming first, and fuck JJ’s loyalty to the man who obviously still owned his heart.
He’d made thatveryclear in word and deed, and I’d been a fool to even begin to hope otherwise.The connection I would have sworn we’d shared had been nothing more than lust, plain and simple.
That little lie didn’t stick, but I had no other choice other than to tell myself I believed it.Otherwise?I would drown again and probably worse than the first time I’d been beaten down by heartache.
I went to the gym.Sweated off the alcohol on the assault bike then lifted weights until I could barely move.
For the second night in a row, I drank myself into a stupor.
In a daze, I showed up the clinic the following afternoon and cleaned up after sick dogs and cats.An ugly as fuck iguana eyed me as I changed out his water.A big motherfucking bird with a loud, foul mouth kept badgering me while I exchanged the old newspaper from the bottom of his cage out for new.
The staff found the damned bird amusing.
I wanted to wring his neck.
And the whole time, I questioned why I’d chosen to volunteer.Did I do it for my own sake?Sure, working around animals took me back to my childhood on the farm when Dad still had livestock, but did it really bring me any joy?
Or was I being a masochist, reminding myself of better times and what I was missing by continuing to live in Boston?
Nursing the mother of all headaches, I returned to my apartment without any answers to my questions.The quiet loneliness hit me like a wall when I unlocked my door and stepped inside the entryway.
I’d cleaned up the mess JJ and I had left on the floor, but the memory of how he’d made love to me, stroked into my body with tenderness, and marked my insides with his cum caused my chest to cave in on itself.
I’d broken down in those final moments and chosen him for myself, and the result had gifted me a brief, too-damn short happy moment in time.But that was all it could be.All it wouldeverbe.He’d made his priorities clear.
Swallowing hard, I tore my gaze off the hardwood flooring and focused on moving deeper into the small place I’d called home for going on three years after I’d moved out of Xavier’s condo.
Standing in my kitchen, I glanced around, hating everything about it.The sterility of white cabinets and lack of personal items to bring color to its starkness.The living room wasn’t inviting except for two pictures I had of my nieces and nephews on the end tables.Hands on hips, I finally contemplated turning around and leaving.
Maine and family lay a few hours north.I could escape the shit of Boston once and for all.Try to find myself again and build a new life.
I wanted that—but I was hungover as fuck.Exhausted to the point I could barely keep my damned eyes open.
I couldn’t take off without giving JJ the chance to explain what I felt sure I already knew, so I made up my mind to at least stay until the following day.I wouldn’t be able to move on otherwise.Questions would continue to riddle my mind.Goddamn what-ifs wouldn’t let me sleep.
There had been radio silence for two days, and I was growing antsy as fuck—couldn’t get out of my own head.
Gnawing on my lower lip, I tried to talk myself into believing I was wrong about Alex and the hold he had over JJ’s life.I honestly didn’t know who’d tried calling JJ that night.It wasn’t fair of me to assume it was the man who stood between me and JJ exploring the potent connection between us.
I’m so fucking tired.
Sinking onto the couch, I swiped my cell to life and pulled up his number.I was tired of waiting for answers.Owed it to myself to find out for sure, so I could at least have closure even if it wasn’t in the way I hoped for.Then I could figure out what andwhereI wanted to go.
Me:We need to talk.
I slouched back, closed my eyes, and sat in the heavy silence, not expecting him to answer anytime soon.
If at all.
The notification ding seconds later brought me upright.
JJ:Can I stop by tonight?
