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“It was, partly. I confronted him, and he denied it and lashed out. That’s why I left. He talked me into coming home, but I’d only been back a few days when I was sure he was still seeing someone. We argued about it on the morning of the accident, once you’d left for school. It was a bad argument, and we both said some horrible things to each other. He said why had he driven up to Christchurch to beg me to come home if he was having an affair? And I couldn’t answer that. It’s haunted me ever since. I thought maybe it was my fault he crashed because he was upset by what I said, and it made him lose concentration.” My eyes fill with tears.
Finn’s bottom lip trembles. “I should have told you. I’m so sorry.”
“No, it’s not your fault at all. It’s just that I was right, and I feel relieved and angry at the same time. I don’t know why he wanted me back. I mean, he wanted you at home, and I guess he thought he wouldn’t win custody. But he didn’t want me.” I stop, fighting emotion.
Finn studies me, eyes blazing. “She wore bright red lipstick,” he says. “And when we crashed, her face was covered in glass, and I couldn’t tell what was blood and what was lipstick…”
I cover my mouth with a hand. He moves closer to me and puts his arms around my neck, and we hug each other tightly.
“She was horrible,” he whispers fiercely. “I hate her, and I hate Dad for having an affair.”
I bite my lip hard. “Don’t say that. Don’t be ruled by hate, sweetheart.”
“You’re such a good person. He shouldn’t have treated you like that.”
“Oh Finn, I’m not perfect.”
“Alex says you’re pretty, so that makes up for it.”
I give a half-laugh, half-sob. “I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Mum. I should have told you. Maybe you’d have gone out with Alex earlier if you’d known.”
I take a deep, shaky breath, and let it out slowly. “No. I had to wait. It was important. Even if I’d known, I would still have had to grieve. You can be angry with someone and still love them.”
“Alex said the same thing. He said it’s okay to have mixed feelings about someone.”
“He’s very wise.”
“I like him a lot,” he says.
“So do I.”
He moves back and looks at me, wiping his eyes. “So is he, like, your boyfriend now?”
“Um… I’m not sure. I think he’d laugh if I called him my boyfriend.”
“But you’re… you know… dating?”
“Kind of. It’s complicated.”
“Why?”
“I have no idea. Don’t grow up, Finn. Adulting sucks.”
“Grandma says he’s crazy about you. She said she knows these things.”
That makes me smile. “Well, that’s nice. I hope she’s right.” I cup his face. “So are we okay? You’ve forgiven me?”
“Yeah, I guess. I’m not stupid. I know he probably wants me to like him because he likes you.”
I frown. “I don’t think so, actually. He told you, didn’t he, that he would still be your friend, whatever else happens.”
“That’s true,” he admits.
“And I believe him. I don’t think he lies. He said you remind him of himself.”
He brightens at that. “Really?”
