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“I’m not going anywhere.”
I glance at the Christmas tree. Last Christmas, Finn was in hospital. After the doctor told us his spine was irreparably damaged, I was convinced he’d never be able to dress the tree again, but this year he was able to stand on crutches long enough to put the star at the top. Next year, judging by the few steps he just took, he probably won’t need the crutches. Part of that is down to Juliette and her hard work, and of course the others at Kia Kaha who helped create THOR. But the main reason Finn can walk is sitting next to me.
I look back at him. I’ve made him wait because of my guilt. I feel so goddamn bitter about that, I feel as if I’ve eaten a dozen lemons, peel and all.
“Finn told me you had a short separation before the accident,” he says.
I nod and sip my vodka, welcoming the way the alcohol sears down inside me, rushing through my veins. I exhale, trying to let go of all the tension that’s been building up over the past year.
“It was never a great marriage,” I begin. “He was three years older than me, and I was a virgin when we first slept together. I was seventeen and still at school. He was twenty and already working. He charmed me, and he talked me into bed. Don’t get me wrong—I went willingly. But I was clueless. He told me I couldn’t get pregnant the first time, and I believed him.”
“He didn’t use a condom?” I’m sure Alex’s tone would hold similar disapproval if I told him that Lee didn’t give me an orgasm until we were two years into our relationship. I decide not to confess that bit.
Instead, I just give a humorless smile. “No, he didn’t. His father was very old-fashioned, and when he found out, he told Lee he was going to marry me so the child wouldn’t be born a bastard. Lee agreed, which pleased my parents, especially my dad. I went along with it because I was scared about bringing a baby up on my own. We got married, and Finn was born soon after.”
I have another mouthful of vodka. “Lee’s parents moved to Auckland a year later because of his dad’s job, but my parents were great. Lee wanted me to get a job, but Mum and Dad encouraged me to go to university and get my teaching degree. They paid for a nanny to look after Finn during the day. Money was tight, but it got better once I was qualified. Lee hated that I had a degree and he didn’t, though. I had to work so hard in the evenings those first few years, preparing lessons and writing reports, and he made such a fuss when it meant he had to look after Finn. It was a difficult time.”
“You stayed together, though?”
I shrug. “He was my husband, and I didn’t want to have a failed marriage. I was realistic. I didn’t believe in fairy tales. Mum has always said that a successful relationship takes hard work, and I was determined not to be the one who backed out.”
“Did you love him?”
It’s a difficult question to answer. “I did. I think. I don’t know. We were never crazy about each other like you see in romantic movies. Lee liked to be admired, and when I was seventeen he charmed me, and I looked up to him. After a couple of years, that wore off, and I saw him for what he was. He didn’t like that. But money wise, it got a bit easier as I settled into teaching. Lee was working in real estate, and he was pretty good at it. Finn started primary school. We had friends, and a bit of money. Things weren’t too bad. Then his firm closed, and he got a job in Dunedin, so we had to move.”
“You got a new teaching job down there?”
“Yeah. I liked my old school, which was tiny, and you felt like part of a family, you know? The new one was bigger, less friendly. Finn went there and he didn’t like it either. Both of us struggled to make friends. I didn’t have my parents around for support, which made childcare more difficult. Lee was happy though—he was enjoying his job, and he wouldn’t talk about moving back. Things were tough. We argued a lot about… this and that.” I drop my gaze, not sure whether to broach that subject.
Alex has a mouthful of his whisky. “Finn told me some time ago that Lee had a temper.”
My eyebrows rise. I hadn’t realized they’d talked about it. “What did he say?”
“That Lee shouted and threw things. He punched a hole in the wall once. And…” He frowns. “That he got physical with you.”
I close my eyes for a moment.
“Is that why you walked out?” Alex asks.
“Partly. He’d been different. Distracted. Secretive. I suspected he was seeing someone else. It seemed ridiculous, because… well… just because, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. I confronted him and he denied it, then gave me a black eye. I bundled Finn in the car and drove up to my parents. He came up and talked me into going back. It was a stupid thing to do, but…” I trail off. “I don’t know why I did,” I say eventually, rubbing my forehead. “You see women talk about their man being violent, and you tell yourself they’re ridiculous for staying, and that you’d be straight out of the door if it ever happened to you. But he told me he missed Finn, and that he’d changed. He begged me to come back, and promised he’d try harder.”
I glare at my glass, then have a large mouthful of vodka.
“Did he?” Alex asks.
“For, like, a week. Then things went back to normal. Well, no, not quite normal. I was sure he was still seeing someone. We had a huge row about it on the twentieth of December. He slept in the spare room that night. Then, on the morning of the twenty-first, after Finn had left for school, we argued about it again. I couldn’t let it rest. I was so sure he was cheating. I told him that I knew he was having an affair. He said I was fucking crazy. We had another bad argument. I mean, really bad. In the end, I told him not to bother coming home that night. I said I hated him, and…” Oh God. “I said I wished he was dead.”
Alex just sighs.
“He walked out,” I whisper. “I had to go to work too, but it was a horrible day. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I had a parents’ evening, too. I was there when the police came and told me there’d been an accident. They said Lee was killed outright, but Finn had been injured and was in hospital. They told me Lee had been taking a client to a property. He did that a lot. I didn’t think anything of it, even when they said it was a woman, because Finn was with him.”
I lean forward, put my glass on the coffee table, and sink my hands into my hair. “I’m so fucking stupid. All this time, this whole year, I’ve been wracked with guilt because of what I said to him. I felt as if I’d caused the accident. I’ve tortured myself with thinking that maybe he wasn’t having an affair, and I’d upset him so much it had made him lose control at the wheel. And all this time, I was right…”
Tears prick my eyes, and this time they tip over my lashes. I dissolve into sobs, as unable to stop them as I would be to force a river to flow uphill.
“Hey.” Alex moves forward and rests his glass beside mine, then puts his arm around me. “Come here,” he says, trying to move me back.
I stay where I am, my back rigid, full of whirling emotions: resentment, anger, guilt, and bitterness. “Don’t,” I sob. “You don’t want to get involved with me. I’m evil.”
