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I wanted to hug him, but I didn’t know if I could. Jackson’s hand shook where he scrubbed it over his face, his gaze lost in the memory. I couldn’t even comprehend what he’d been through.
“The speculation online was rife. People blaming me, or my father, without knowing anything about us. The armchair detectives tore our family to pieces,” he continued. “It took weeks longer before they had the DNA evidence to charge TJ. Then two years for the trial where he pled not guilty, and every single second of it had to be gone over in excruciating detail.”
“All while you were trying to come to terms with it. God, Jackson. I can’t imagine how it felt to live through that. Hearing you describe it broke my heart. Please tell me the murderer got life.”
“He was found guilty of manslaughter, not murder. His claim that they went to the woods for consensual sex which went wrong was defended well enough that they couldn’t prove him a liar. His sentence was laughable because of his age. He’s served nine years so far.”
Pure anger swirled at how the asshole had forced that court case and got away with a lesser charge. What the family must have suffered hearing it all. And I knew Jackson wouldn’t have hidden from the damage. He’d make himself hear every word.
“What happened to you in that time?”
Jackson seemed to come out of his haze, his focus settling on me again. “The military didnae want me, which was a good call because I was a headcase, so I went off on a rampage, getting then losing jobs, drinking too much, sleeping around. My parents split, and Da moved abroad and fell into alcoholism, and there was no home to go back to.”
“God. Your mom didn’t keep a room for you?”
“She threw out every single one of my possessions, so no, there was no space in her life for me anymore. I ended up in trouble with the police, then by sheer luck, I was given a chance by a young offender’s scheme to go to back to education. I was sick of myself so I took the option, and it was exactly what I needed. I studied for a year to get the entrance exams covered for university, then got a free ride on the course I chose, which was a shot in the dark as I had no direction beyond climbing out of the hole I’d fallen in. I worked two jobs, bought my car third-hand so I had somewhere to sleep on the nights I couldnae use the dorm, and found myself again after years of being lost.”
“You’re amazing,” I offered.
He pressed his lips together, looking away. “I’ve explained more than I meant to. Jesus, ye must be sick of the sound of my voice.”
I wasn’t at all. It was filling in the mystery block that was the man I’d liked from first sight. Even if he’d driven me crazy after.
“Don’t stop. Was Lisa Marie’s online boyfriend actually real?”
“There was no evidence of that. She was probably just trying to get away from TJ.”
God. My heart panged again, and my thoughts returned to the call he’d avoided. “Did your mom ever show any regret?”
At this, he stopped talking. He chewed over the question for a long minute until producing an answer. “No.”
From his tone, I sensed how he was done with the topic. Recounting it all had to be exhausting. “Tell me how you met my brother.”
“We shared a couple of lectures. I’d made a vow to steer clear of getting close to anyone. He walked straight through that, adopted me, and took me home for the end-of-term breaks, correctly identifying that I had no one else asking. In the holidays, I used to work catering, serving at hotels or wherever, but finding somewhere to stay was hard, and it was miserable being alone at Christmas. I didn’t want to accept every single time, but he always had ways to persuade me. I liked it here a lot. I liked everyone I met and every place I explored. When he first mentioned the wordbodyguard, it was like the pieces of my life fell into place.”
“He’s a fixer,” I said, proud of Raphael for what he’d done. Jackson had so badly needed a friend, and my brother had been there.
“That’s a good word for him.”
“Raph took the most damage from our family falling apart. He saw what I didn’t when our father was gearing up to sell me off. Dad exposed him to some pretty horrendous stuff, and he had the bravery to stop it and work with Gabe to get us away. I didn’t realise it for years but when I did, I thanked him. He’s got that gene. He saw you and knew you needed help, too.”
Jackson watched me. “He’s the best. You’re pretty fucking special, too.”
There were things we weren’t saying. Things that had become increasingly apparent.
Us sleeping together had the potential to mess up their relationship, and from our conversation, it had become all too clear how important that was to Jackson.
He needed the job he had here, the one my brother had talked up and got him excited for. Jackson didn’t have a family to fall back on or anywhere else to go. No other group of friends.
A strong sense came over me that I needed to back out of whatever it was we were doing.
I could ruin it all, if things went wrong. It would be my fault, and I just knew he’d walk away rather than make things awkward for me.
Right when I was getting started with him, I had to call it off.
Chapter 25
Jackson
