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My eyes follow his to the counter, and that’s when I see his knife. The one with the worn leather handle. Anxiety bubbles in my stomach. “R-retribution?”
He reaches for the knife, and his huge hand swallows the handle. “Not for me, buttercup.” He drops to his knees at my feet. “For you.”
My heart begins to pound in my ears. What the hell is he doing? Too shocked to form words, I gape at him.
He pulls his shirt off over his head and holds out the knife. I blink at him and recall the sharpness of that blade, the endorphins that raced through my body as it sliced my skin. How he took care of me after. How he told me he loved me. He was vulnerable and honest and everything I now know he isn’t.
Tears prick at my eyes, and I blink them away. “Get out of my apartment.”
“Not until you give me what I need, Lily.”
“And what’s that? You want me to cut you? Will that make you feel better?” What the hell is his end game? Zeke never gives anyone power over him, not even Xander or West.
“I want you to make me feel something, Lily. I’ve spent the last two months completely numb, and I can’t fucking stand it anymore.”
“I’m not cutting you, Zeke.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to. Why would I?”
“I’m already bleeding. Every single second without you is torture. I need you to make it hurt so I can feel something real. Mark me so I can remember that you belonged to me once, even if I didn’t get to keep you.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “Zeke, no.”
“We fucked up, baby doll. Monumentally fucked up. I’ll never forgive myself, so I would never expect you to forgive us…” His eyes swim with tears, and all my resolve melts away. Seems I’m a complete sucker for a messed-up guy who shows his emotions. I can feel the anguish radiating from him. This isn’t some line to get me back, and although that shouldn’t matter after what he did, it does.
He watches me intently, as though he’s searching my face until he can find a crack in my carefully constructed armor. A tear runs down my cheek, and I swat it away. And there’s the crack.
His dark eyes narrow. “But I swear we will spend every single second of the rest of our lives trying to make up for it.” He grabs my wrist and places the handle of the knife in my open palm, then closes his fingers around mine and pushes the tip of the blade against his chest.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Zeke,” I say, a sob catching in my throat.
“Then come home, baby doll. Please. Come home or cut me right now.”
“You can’t give me an ultimatum like that. It’s not fair.”
“It’s not an ultimatum, Lily. When I think about your face that night—when I remember how cruel I was to you and how much pain I caused, I can’t fucking breathe. I need you to make me feel some of that pain.”
“It’s not comparable.” I shake my head.“What you did…” My words are lost in the maelstrom of emotions crashing together inside me.
“I told you I was cruel.” His head drops for a few beats before he fixes his black eyes on mine again. “I’m a sick fuck. I know what I did was unforgivable, but I’m selfish enough to ask you to look past it anyway. When I’m hurt, I don’t know how to handle it. I lash out. And I felt betrayed, Lily, but I should have known better. Because you are the best person I’ve ever known, and having your love, even for just a little while, is the single greatest accomplishment of my life. But now you know that the people I allow to see me at my worst are the people I love the most.”
His words are scrambling my senses. “Zeke, please,” I whimper.
“Come home, buttercup,” he pleads, yanking my hand closer until the tip of the blade pierces his skin. A drop of deep crimson blood trickles over his pectoral muscle. “Come home or stick this fucking knife in my chest so that I can remember what it feels like to be alive.”
ChapterFifty-Six
WEST
The elevator doors open and Zeke steps out. He glances around nervously, and it sets my teeth on edge. Something’s going on. He looks terrified, but he also seems oddly happy. And then I see why.
I swear my heart stops beating when she steps out behind him. She flicks her dark curls over her shoulder and folds her arms across her chest. Our eyes meet, and I stand frozen, certain I’m dreaming and will wake up at any minute.
“Shorty?” Xander’s voice cuts through the uncomfortable silence. He’s standing at the other end of the hallway, looking as shocked as I feel.
“Hey,” she says so quietly I almost don’t hear her. Then the four of us stare at each other for what feels like a fucking eternity.Say something, asshole. Go pick her up and carry her to bed. Fucking chain her to the goddamn frame if you have to.
