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‘Can we stop at the beach on the way back?’ I asked quietly, my throat aching at the sudden exertion. Guillermo looked at me oddly, but he didn’t argue. ‘Sure,’ he grunted. ‘Why the fuck not.’
* * *
It was hot and crowded at the beach, but I found a small stretch of sand that wasn’t taken over by towels and kids. I didn’t even undress. I kicked off my shoes and walked into the water fully clothed, painfully aware that the remains of an infant child were now on Emilio’s desk.
I waded into the water quickly, deeper into the waves, letting my arms float away from my body, fingers outstretched. The waves helped me, dragging me deeper as they pulled back from shore. I cried. I cried for that baby. I cried for my son. I cried for Dornan. Why couldn’t he be good for me? Why couldn’t he take me away from this? Why, in saving me from Emilio’s plans to sell me all those years ago, had he brought me here, to this?
I felt like I was losing my mind. I wondered, briefly, how hard it would be to drown myself without Guillermo saving me.
I let myself sink into the water. It felt delicious, like a balm against my skin that burned in the Californian sunshine. My Colombian skin wasn’t used to the sun anymore, and though it was still milky brown, it didn’t like being outside. A decade of closed rooms and no windows will do that to a person.
The water rushed around me, my long dark hair floating wildly in the waves. I lifted my feet from the sandy ocean floor and let myself float.
Let myself sink.
It was quiet down here. Peaceful. As peaceful as you could get when you’d just waited while a child’s body burned to cinders.
I opened my mouth and screamed silently against the safety of the waves. As loud as I could, knowing nobody would ever hear how much sorrow tore at my throat as saltwater rushed into my mouth. It made my eyes sting, but I didn’t care. In the silence and the cold, I felt so . . . free. I imagined opening my lungs and taking in a mouthful of saltwater. Just breathing it in like it was air, until it filled me up. It would hurt, no doubt. My body would try to fight it. My survival instinct would kick in.
Luis. I could never kill myself, knowing my son was alive and waiting for me to come to him in Colombia. Never.
I kicked towards the surface with great reluctance.
I felt Guillermo beside me, and then his strong arm was hooked around my chest and under my own arm, pulling me close. I glanced over, seeing that he’d walked into the water, jeans and all. At least he’d taken his shoes off.
‘They say drowning is a peaceful way to go,’ he said, a knowing smile on his face as he dragged me closer to shore, his kick strong. I felt like I was a wet blanket. I wasn’t even strong enough to pull away and slip beneath the water’s surface. I was too much of a coward to even figure out how to drown.
‘Sorry, baby,’ he said, treading water in front of me, holding my head above the surface by cupping his hand below my chin. ‘Today’s not your day.’
I nodded dully, looking at a couple of surfers who were paddling past us, giving me strange glances. I suppose I did look a sight, fully dressed and crying my eyes out while I half-heartedly tried to drown myself in Santa Monica Bay.
Guillermo’s grip eased, and he stood next to me, the water up to his shoulders. He was pretty much the same height as me, and I let my feet drop to the sandy ocean floor.
‘You love him?’
I refocused my gaze on Guillermo as his words pierced my fog. ‘Who?’
‘Prez. John. You never answered me before. Too busy with your pretty little gun. So tell me. You love him?’
I nodded, shivering. I don’t think I’d let myself believe it until that moment. But I did. Oh, how I loved that man. I didn’t want to be here, metaphorically and almost literally drowning. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be tucked underneath his chin as he told me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to be in a car with him, flying down the freeway, breaking the speed limit as we left every single Gypsy Brother and the Il Sangue Cartel for dust, never to be seen again.
‘You got shitty luck with men, honey,’ Guillermo said, trying to make me smile. ‘Shitty, shitty luck. Remind me never to get involved with you, yeah?’
I smiled a watery smile that matched our surroundings.
‘I’m tired, Guillermo.’
‘I know. Me too.’
I saw the Ferris wheel in the distance, and behind it, my apartment. ‘I miss my family.’ I miss my boy.
We stood in the water, as it gently rocked us from side to side.
‘Come on,’ Guillermo said, putting a hand on my shoulder. ‘We got things to do.’
I nodded, wading to shore with him.
‘You gonna call John?’ Guillermo asked, as we walked along the sand, headed for the car.
