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I wasn't trying to hurt anybody in all this. I thought I was doing the right thing.
But his eyes are sharp. He won't listen to a single word I have to say.
And I deserve his contempt.
"I’m sorry Luke," I say, and to my embarrassment, a stray tear rolls down my cheek. "I'll leave."
I close the door behind me.
I head up to my room drained. Luckily, I can cry alone and silently but I don't let myself break down just yet. One more person to tell. I debate whether or not to tell Liam at first, but he'll find out anyway. Better it be from me, so he could take out all his anger for me.
I pick up the phone, wipe my eyes, and call my brother.
20
LUKE
Mia has a woundedlook before she turns away but I harden myself against it. I tell myself not to feel anything but anger. She doesn’t deserve my sympathy. Not after what she did.
As the door closes behind her, I let the fury overtake my thoughts again. At the center of that is betrayal.How could she do this to me? Fuck, how could this happen to me again?
When I found out about Mikey, I’d been mad. Not mad that I was tricked into having a kid, but more furious that his mother had kept him from me all this time. My son grew up for the first seven years of his life, without a father. I was a deadbeat by default, without a choice. I couldn't be there for him in his formative years. Heck maybe if I had, my boy wouldn't be so tentative with people, always on the edge of rejection. Maybe he would know how to make friends by now. She robbed me of a chance to do that for my son and even though she was dead, I didn’t think I could forgive her for it.
But eventually, I was able to let it go. The truth was that I didn't know much about his mother, and the woman clearly had mental issues that were far beyond anything I could’ve helped her with. It was partially my fault, for sleeping around with women I barely knew. She didn't owe me rationality or even loyalty.
With Mia, the anger is more because the betrayal cuts deeper.
Never in a million years would I have expected this from Mia. Mia, who is honest to a fault and always aims to do what's fair. She always tries to do the right thing even when it's difficult. No.
The image shatters. That Mia would’ve never tried to pass my son off as another man’s child.
The truth pierces through me and I welcome the pain to keep me from delusion.
Why? Why did she never tell me? Was she going to keep it a secret forever? If I never found out was she simply never going to tell me?
Or was that what she wanted to tell me all along? What she was going to tell me yesterday but I stopped her?
That last question now haunts me more than anything else.
I lean back in my seat and run my hand over my face, wanting to scream. I want to hit something until the boiling anger leaves me, but remain seated. Thoughts flash through my mind. I picture Chase as I saw him during practice. He looks like his mother but now that I think about it, we share a lot of things in common. The way his eyebrows arc over his eyes when he says something sarcastic…And there's that little smirk he does every time he scores a goal past me. Those are all mine. He’s my son.
Heck, he even looks a little like Mikey. The resemblance…the principal saw it before I did. Was I that blind? Or I just simply trusted what Mia said to me? I was blind to her.
A part of me thought I was probably tripping when I saw the birthmark under Chase's arm. I thought maybe I was just seeing things or at the very least, that it was a random coincidence. But upon closer inspection, it was uncanny. The birthmark looked exactly like mine before it faded. My dad told me he had the same birthmark too. What were the odds that the kid would have the same birthmark, our family heirloom, in the same spot? And then there were other things. His personality. His love for hockey. His attitude. Little mannerisms. All that is me.
But still, I held out hope that maybe I was deceiving myself. Because Mia wouldn’t lie to me like that. She would tell me if I had a son.
And then I confronted her and saw that guilt pass over her face. She didn’t even try to deny it. And that's when I knew for sure.
He was my son.
“God, I can’t do this.” I immediately rise, restless and feeling trapped by four walls and my thoughts. I'm also distinctly aware of Mia’s room a few doors over. She left here crying. I don’t want her to cry. Despite my fury, I want to go and comfort her and pull her against my body and tell her everything will be fine. But I won’t let myself. That ship’s sailed and I won’t let myself feel anything for her anymore.
Ha.
As if you have a choice.
My phone rings to end the thought. Liam’s caller ID flickers on my screen and I hesitate to answer. Did Liam know about this too? Or is he as in the dark as I am? I don’t know which answer I would prefer.
