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Week Eight - Fear
“The shame and guilt will eat us alive if we let it.”
Alot of men have claimed my body, and a lot of men have whispered into my ear, telling me all the dirty things they will do to me. But none of the men ever made me feel the way Christian has, instead of beating me, cussing at me, or yelling at me. He cleaned me last, washed me, and claimed me in a gentle, possessive, hot way.
He has to know how he comes off, right?
He is hot as hell.
Sexy as fuck.
His touch makes my heart race.
His lips on mine take me away.
With him, I am starting to feel free. I am beginning not to see myself as a freak.
I rest my hands against the shower wall and hear Christian coming up behind me. He still makes me feel nervous. He makes me feel in control and out of control.
He is a dangerous mixture of pain and suffering. Pain and suffering that matches my own. Our situations might have been different, but the ending result of what it has made us inside is the same.
A monster meets another monster that is the same. The same in many ways. The same in ways that are both scary as fuck and also comforting.
Fuck I still sound insane and out of control.
But I am starting to get used to it. I am beginning to like how it makes me feel because of how Christian looks at me when I feel out of control. When I am feeling insane, he seems to be drawn to me more.
Which confuses me and takes my breath away at the same time.
None of this makes sense. I don’t make sense; he doesn’t make sense.
But I have a feeling that it is going to be okay, everything is going to be okay, even though the voices are still there, even though I can still feel all of them on me, inside me, claiming me.
Every day that goes by, Christian is starting to replace them more and more; some days are better than others.
Today seems like a better day.
32
Christian
There is nothing she can do that will make me change my mind about her. The way she reacted to the bed incident broke my fucking heart, but I also understand why she reacted the way she did. Or at least I am trying to understand. It hurts me to see her that way. Seeing her struggle and apologize for something she had no control over hurts me.
For three fucking years, Sebastian and those men conditioned her to believe lies, calling her a whore, a slut, claiming she was dirty and broken. And fucking Sebastian made her believe that she was a fucking puppet, someone that was only meant to be used and abused. I know it will take me a long time to convince her that what they conditioned her to believe is false.
Knowing that she was trying to hold it, knowing that she actually felt that she couldn’t get up and use the restroom, all of it pains me in a way that I can’t fully explain in words. I have never experienced anything like this before. She makes me feel things I never thought I would feel.
I am a jealous fucking man, a selfish fucking man, and I want all of her attention. I want her love, her touch, her lips, her pussy, her dreams, her thoughts, her fucking nightmares. I want all of it, which I know makes me sound insane, but you have already learned by now that I am a fucking monster.
I want to show her just how much I need her, just how much I want her, but I know she isn’t fucking ready, and each time I tell myself that she isn’t ready, it pisses me off but also makes me fucking sad inside. Sad that she had to go through what she has. I will never forgive myself for walking away from her that day outside of the coffee shop.
Maybe just fucking maybe, if I stayed, if I gave into my desire for her, perhaps she would have never been taken, and this entire time we would have been together, but back then, she was a minor. Even though I am a monster and a fucking criminal, there are lines even I won’t cross, and fucking a minor is one of them.
But she isn’t a minor anymore. She isn’t that little girl anymore, fuck no, she isn’t. She is a grown-ass, beautiful woman I want in every fucking way. She will learn with me that she doesn’t need to be sorry. She doesn’t need to explain why she is doing what she is doing. I will never make her feel ashamed or guilty for how she is trying to deal with what Sebastian and those men did to her.
My men and I have worked with many women who have gone through somewhat of what Nicole went through, but they don’t stay long, so I haven’t really seen the aftermath of what they went through. With Nicole, she has been allowing me to see inside her. Even if she doesn’t mean to, I am seeing the aftermath of what those men have done. It makes me even more fucking motivated to hunt them all down and cut off their fucking dicks and stab them in the heart and remove their fucking tongues.
When I am done with them, they will fucking pray for death, and they will not get it, not until I deem it fucking so. They will suffer before I will let them die.
