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I slowly pull away from her and grab my clothes, jerking them on and trying to act as normal as possible without verbally telling her what I’ve never told a soul, I want to though, I want to confess my sins.
Shaking, I finally grab my jeans and pull on my shirt. She comes up behind me and hugs me, still naked. I can feel her breasts against my flimsy t-shirt, her hands link in front of my stomach while she rests her head against my back. “You can tell me anything.”
“I don’t think this specific thing will make you happy, even though I didn’t know you then, I still made a really big mistake that’s currently effecting me.”
She freezes. “So it’s not bullying.”
“It’s not bullying.” My throat feels like it’s going to close it’s swelling so much with tears that I haven’t shed, that I refused to release when I was in high school. “It’s damning is what it is.”
I slowly pry her arms away and turn and look at her. “It’s the past.”
“Have you dealt with it?” Her voice is soft.
The burning in my throat continues. “It could end us.”
“Drugs?” She guesses again.
“No.” I almost laugh. “I had no access to drugs unless someone decides they hate me and want to make up a story about me, just know there’s a reason I’m trying to be nice to Iseul, she knows too much.”
Ari lets out a heavy sigh. “You slept with her.” She doesn’t ask, she just knows. “Did something else happen?”
“Do we have to do this now?”
“You slept with her, but that’s easily hidden what else—”
“She got pregnant and miscarried.” I didn’t mean to blurt it all out. “And I was told to hide it, and she blamed me, we didn’t end well.”
Ari’s mouth parts. “Wait, so, you were sleeping with her when you were a trainee?”
I almost laugh with how stupid it is. “Yeah, I was sleeping around with my girlfriend while training to be a part of the biggest K-pop group in the world, got her pregnant despite using protection and I was willing to give it all up, she lost the baby and I—I met you. I graduated, and I met you after losing everything on top of all the pressure. I met you and I just I needed—”
Ari’s arms wrap around me, holding me tight. “It’s okay to cry a little bit, to let it out, especially if you never mourned, did you even tell, never mind of course you didn’t tell anyone.” She pulls back. “I’m the only person that knows aren’t I?”
I feel myself nodding; I don’t trust my words or the way that if I suddenly start talking, they’ll tumble out in an awkward and embarrassing amount of crying.
“I’m sorry.” Ari wraps her arms around my neck. “I’m so sorry.”
I’m finally able to mutter, “Thanks.”
“Let me get some clothes on and walk you back.”
I don’t say no because I don’t want to leave her for one second. By the time she’s dressed and we sneak out of the house it’s close to three in the morning and I know I’m only going to get a few hours of sleep.
We walk in silence across the grass toward the guys’ house.
Slowly, she fits her hand into mine and clutches it.
I let her, knowing that the cameras won’t pick anything up until we get closer to the pool.
Maybe ten more steps.
She squeezes it tight.
I turn to kiss her when a voice interrupts us. “Wow you guys are up late.”
I drop Ari’s hand and freeze. Five seconds go by before I turn around and smile. It’s Iseul. “Yeah well we had a contract to go over.”
Iseul has her running gear on and is dressed in all black, including her beanie. “Huh, I’ve never done contracts that late at night or I guess, early in the morning, then again I am up early for a run so, everyone has their hours.” She flashes me a cruel smile. “Anyway, hope the negotiations were good.”
