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I've been a fool and I hate that feeling.
That first night, Theo came over and spent the night with me so I wouldn't be too lonely. She hasn't gone home yet. I'm not ready to be on my own.
Just like when my dad passed, she hasn't left my side. And she hasn't complained at all. I don't deserve her friendship. Especially when I was half ignoring her for a stupid man mere days ago.
And she never complained about that either.
I'm rambling.
I'm not sleeping much and I forgot the vanilla in a batch of cinnamon rolls yesterday. Then I was almost late making the last delivery to Polly's.
I'm a mess.
Theo is holding the business together of course. She took the meeting with Milly for me since it was clear that I could not handle it. Milly took it well and the two of them have planned out a lovely dinner party that I will only be working if her son is nowhere in the vicinity. She sent a note back for me with Theo. I haven't read it yet. I'm not brave right now. I'm barely functioning. It's shocking how tangled Gus and I became in such a relatively short time.
"Bet? You okay?" Theo asks and I nod without thought.
"Yeah, you bet. I'm fine," I lie.
She sighs.
"No, you're not. And you know you don't have to be. Are you ready to talk about it yet?"
Oh yeah, I haven't let her bring up Gus' name since she's been staying at my house.
I think it's because I don't have a single clue how to feel. I'm both angry and hurt, but mostly I miss him so much. It's a constant ache.
I'm not ready to let it go. I don't know if I should trust him again...
Hence why I'm not hashing it out with my bestie.
"I am not ready, no." I frown and heave a sigh. "I don't know, Theo. I don't know what to feel."
"You miss him," she says softly. "You know that's okay, too, right?"
I huff at her and then ruin it by glancing at the gorgeous arrangement of roses and the potted orchid he's sent me. "I do miss him," I admit quietly, ashamed of myself. "But that's not very smart of me, is it?"
Theo rests her chin in her hand and looks at me, her blue gaze unflinching. "Don't think about that. Let's talk feelings. I really think you need to, Betty. It's time."
I nod miserably and get to work ferociously kneading bread–it needs to be ready to prove soon or I'm never going to be done baking today. "He said he wanted to tell me, that he always intended to but that the timing was never right." It still rankles.
"Has he apologized?"
I gesture to the flowers with my floury fingers and mumble, "Only about twenty times."
She nods and tilts her head at me. "Do you think he means it? I mean, I get you're upset, I would've been upset too. Trust is important." She pauses, clearly thinking things over before she says, "I am not trying to pressure you, Betty, but that man loves you. Otherwise, he wouldn't be trying so hard to win your forgiveness." She bites her lip when I remain sullen and silent. "It doesn't even sound like he tried to make excuses, he just owned up to it... that's not always the case in these situations."
I sigh and abandon my dough for the moment–proving be damned. "I don't know what to believe, Theo. All I want is to believe in him again. Trust that he loves me and we can go back to how we were. I want that more than anything. What we were building, that future that I saw with him. I want it back, damn it. And now I just don't know if I can be all in with him again..."
The tears start falling and I back away from my work, I don't want to ruin the dough. That would be a gigantic waste. Theo gets up and comes over to pull me into her arms and hugs me hard.
"I miss him," I sob into her shoulder.
She rubs my back and keeps me close. "I know, honey, I know you do."
"I love you, ya know?" I say, still crying uncontrollably, on my way to a full meltdown. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
"You'll never have to find out," she murmurs as she hugs me close. "Buddy system for life."
