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“We could ride a rollercoaster?” I said and Luisa clapped her hands. “Yes! Let’s do that!” She wasn’t scared of anything either, I thought, rather miserably as we headed out to the amusement park. She relished new challenges and adventures while I was always doubtful and suspicious. I called it careful, she said I was wimp.
It was Luisa who’d decided I should go alone on the rollercoaster.
She would wait for me on the ground. It was like she thought if I could conquer this fear, then I’d know what to do with my life and my future, I would be able to move on from Tate and the disastrous PA experience, somehow miraculously find my mission in life. I didn’t know how to tell her that I was feeling more lost than ever. I had been the baby of my family all my life, protected by my brothers and parents, sheltered from all harmful situations and now I was too scared to do anything.
When it was my turn to get into the cubicle, my hands were shaking so much that the assistant had to buckle me up. “Are you okay?” He asked me. He looked about twelve years old, with angry acne that probably glowed in the dark.
I could only nod.
I tried not to think of the time when our family went to some festival when we were still living in Washington. My parents went off searching for food and my brothers were supposed to look after me. But then they’d gone off looking for their own entertainment. I was left to wander the fairground on my own. I was terrified, wandering from one noisy ride to another, freaked out by the shrieking children and the loud yelling. I couldn’t tell if people were enjoying themselves or were terrified to death.
The rollercoaster started moving and I squeezed my eyelids shut. Behind me, I heard excited yelps of people anticipating the ride to come. I thought if I kept my eyes shut the whole time, I could maybe miss all of it.
Then I thought, no.
I didn’t want to miss out on this. I was busy missing out on my whole life because I was scared. Of what, exactly? I’d read somewhere that I was more likely to be in a car accident than get hurt on a roller coaster. That was the whole point of this experience, you were completely safe in your harness, doing something very dangerous, yes, but you were safe. I opened my eyes carefully, felt the wind blow my hair back. The rollercoaster was teetering at the top of the track and I could feel it dipping down and then gathering speed. Behind me people were yelling and screaming at the top of their voices as the rollercoaster hurled about and threw us all over the place.
I couldn’t see a thing, the world whipped past me in a blur but I felt the adrenaline rush through my blood. This was amazing! The rollercoaster climbed up again and I could see the track and the complicated structure that held us up. I couldn’t imagine closing my eyes now. I would be missing out on so much, all of the excitement of the ride ahead.
The last part of the ride was the best, knowing what was coming and steeling myself for the incredible drop. Behind me one girl was shouting “Yes, yes, yes!” over and over again, it sounded like she was having an orgasm and this was so funny but I couldn’t laugh. I was too distracted by what was happening to me to focus on it.
By the time the rollercoaster arrived back at the station, I was disappointed that the ride was over.
“How was it?” Luisa asked, rushing forward to meet me as I came off the ride.
“Was it scary? Did you freak out?”
It sounded like she was talking to a child. I felt like I was emerging from a tunnel into bright sunshine, there was a realization of what I had been missing out on in my life.
“No,” I said, with a big smile. “It was fucking fantastic.”
“There you go!” She gave me a high five and we went off looking for the next ride. I turned around to watch the next lot of people go on the ride and I almost felt envious of the experience they were about to have. This was the flagship ride of the amusement park, the highest and supposedly scariest of them all. But I’d done it, no problem, had even enjoyed it.
Luisa and I went on a few rides after that, ending the day with a session of go carts where we had loads of fun bumping our cars into each other and into the railing.
We headed back to our apartment in the afternoon, weary from all the excitement.
Luisa was supposed to go out with friends that night but she said she wanted to stay in.
“You’ve been very quiet,” she said, looking at me. “You okay?”
I was thinking about a lot of things ever since that rollercoaster ride.
“I think you may have been right,” I said.
“Yeah?” she was pleased.
I nodded. “I need to try new things, different things, figure out who I am.”
“You don’t know who you are?” Luisa asked, sarcastically.
I shook my head, slowly, “Not really, no.”
She frowned.
“I thought I hated rollercoasters but as it turned out, I love them. I thought I wanted to work in the business world, but I didn’t like it. I liked working for Tate, or really, seeing how he worked, how his mind worked. But all the email and the spreadsheets and the meetings? I don’t like any of that.”
“But you like the old people, right?” Luisa asked, knowingly.
