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"Emma," I say gruffly.
She does not say anything else to me. She walks through to the bedroom puts her things down and goes to shower. I listen to the water running and wait, wondering what I am going to say to her. How am I going to let her know the thoughts in my head? Maybe I don't need to let her know what I am thinking. I barely even understand what I am thinking. Maybe I just need to let her know that I am not good enough for her. Rubbish. I am Lennox Blake.
Emma comes through to the living room, rubbing her damp hair with a towel. She smells of lavender and again I feel a sense of being home, of belonging somewhere - with someone.
Emma stares at me for a moment and then shakes her head a little.
"Have you eaten?" She asks me.
"Not hungry," I respond. Abrupt again. The usual.
"Well, you have to eat." She huffs, moving towards the kitchen. She begins opening cupboards and searching through the fridge for ingredients, setting them out on the kitchen counter; she works meticulously and efficiently. She carefully slices vegetables and washes them off, leaving them in a bowl to strain. She coats the chicken strips in spices and sets a pan on the stove to heat up. They sizzle when she adds them to the melted butter in the pan and a delightful smell fills the house. Home.
I watch her put together a delicious stir-fry and when she glances up at me, for the first time since she arrived home, our eyes lock and I see how drained she looks. I am such an idiot. She is pregnant; she has just worked a late shift and now she is cooking for me. I am so selfish. I stand, wanting to take over the cooking but then think about how stupid it will look if I step in now after sitting here like an asshole watching her do all the work.
"Did you want another drink, Lennox?" She asks.
"No - No I - uh - I will sort myself out."
She nods quietly.
When dinner is ready, she places a bowl in front of me. It looks amazing. I am so much hungrier than I thought I was.
She slides into the chair opposite me, and I mumble a thank you. She does not reply.
After a few bites of food, she puts her fork down and stares at me. "Lennox, why do you have to be so rude to me at work?"
I guess I knew this was coming.
"Because I am an asshole, Emma. Have you not figured it out yet?"
"Oh please, can you just talk to me like an adult? Stop being so difficult and just talk to me, please."
She looks like she is close to tears when I glance up at her and my heart breaks.
"Maybe -" I say softly "Maybe I don't know how to be anything but difficult."
She shakes her head. "I've seen the real you, Lennox. And this is not it."
She waves her hand gesturing towards me. I look down at myself. I feel a mess. I feel drained. I feel like an asshole.
"What have you seen, Emma? The great Dr. Blake? The man who takes advantage of his nurses? Who treats you like nothing in front of other people? The man who hides you from everyone when you deserve to be with someone so proud to have you. How could they ever do that… " I trail off, knowing I am just mumbling random thoughts to her that probably don't make sense. I need to pull myself together. I push the whiskey glass away, annoyed that I don't feel fully in control.
"What is really going on here?" She asks, sounding agitated and sad at the same time.
I sigh. "Why do you want to be with me, Emma? What do you see in me?"
She looks surprised. "In you? When you are not being a total idiot, I see who you really are, Lennox. When you stop acting with your ego and you act from your heart, I can see who you really are and that is the person I have fallen for. This person sitting in front of me… I don't know this person.”
"This is the real me, Em," I say sadly.
"Bullshit." She snaps. "Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and start looking at what you have right in front of you." She is getting angry.
"My job?" I ask.
"No, Lennox." She shouts. "Me. You have me. Are you really that blind?"
I shake my head. "I don't think I deserve you. I don't think you deserve me."
