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43
Iturned over on my side, my mouth open in shock.
I couldn’t believe what I had just heard.
I think he mistook the expression on my face for disbelief about the whole DEA thing, when in fact it was utter amazement that he had just told me the truth.
“Look,” he said. His expression was one of pain and regret. “I can’t even believe I’m telling you this… because if you are a federal agent…”
“I’m not,” I said, the way you might say it if a man you’d just fucked suggested you were in the CIA.
“I want to believe that, but if you are… look, I’m risking the entire club just saying these things, Fiona. If you care about me at all, don’t fuck me on this. If you are from the DEA or the FBI or whatever, please, just leave town. Now. And don’t come back. Lou gave me 24 hours to find out the truth, and then he’s going to hurt you. And I might not be able to stop him.”
“I’m not a federal agent,” I swore.
He cupped my cheek with his hand and smiled. It almost broke my heart. Because I knew he wanted to believe me…
…and because he had come clean about everything, and yet I was still lying to him.
I wanted to tell him… I wanted to… but something held me back.
Maybe the knowledge that if he knew what I really was, he would kick me out. I would never find out what happened to Ali, would never find her killer.
“I wish I could believe that,” he murmured.
“Jack – ”
“He’s coming after you, Fiona. And I need to keep you safe.”
I need to keep you safe.
My heart was breaking and melting, all at the same time.
I struggled to keep my voice even. “He’s the VP. You’re the president… won’t he do what you order him to?”
“No. There’s a showdown coming between us, but until then, he won’t stop coming after you until he’s dead or you’re gone. I can keep you safe for a day, maybe a week, but I can’t stay beside you forever. And even if I did, he’d probably just kill both of us.”
“If he killed you, wouldn’t the entire club turn on him?!”
“Lou’s an evil fucking genius. He’d find some way to swing it so that it was all my fault.” Jack sighed. “So if you’re in the DEA or the ATF or the FBI – ”
“I swear to God, I’m not a federal agent. I don’t work for the DEA, I don’t work for the ATF or the FBI. I’m an actress from Los Angeles who came here because I lost my cousin in a drug overdose. That’s it.”
In the dim light from the stars outside, I could see that he was smiling in relief. He pulled me to his body and kissed me.
I felt fucking horrible. Like I was Judas about to collect my 40 pieces of silver.
44
This time we made love. Slow, sweet. He cradled my head in his hands and tried to look into my eyes, but I couldn’t hold his gaze too long. It hurt too much.
He had come clean.
He had told me everything.
And I had told him nothing.
I had held everything back.
