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Because this might be our last night to live, and though a relationship where Nox will never love me would rot me to the core over years… Well, desire burns fast, but if we won’t be here in the morning, I’m not sure that’s a problem.
“You look uncomfortable down there,” I say.
Nox’s eyes glint with mischief, and he scoots backward on his pitiful excuse for a cot, patting the floor in front of him as if to beckon me.
I can’t help the laugh that escapes my lips. “I don’t think that’s going to work.”
Nox shrugs. “I’m rather flexible. Willing to make anything work at this point.”
“I think you’re just trying to get me down there so you can steal the bed.”
“I assure you I have more creative intentions than that.”
My heart patters against my chest, and I feel as though I can’t breathe as long as there’s this gaping space between the two of us.
It physically hurts being away from him.
And now he’s asking me to come down there with him.
So I do. I slip my bare feet onto the floorboards and teeter over to Nox, slipping onto the pallet with him. I drag the blanket from the bed over with me, settling it over the both of us as I lie next to him and tuck my back into his chest.
Instantly, he slips his arm around my waist, melding my body with his as warmth radiates off of him and into me.
My whole body is tingling from head to toe, and I know this is a horrible idea, one that will leave me with only bits of a memory that will fade every day once Nox is gone. If we survive tomorrow, that is.
But for now, it feels so nice to be held by him.
His fingers begin tracing patterns into my waist, and I find I can’t breathe.
“Nox,” I say, and it’s meant as a rebuke, but my traitorous voice makes it sound like more of an invitation.
“Blaise.” I can feel his lips grin as they brush my ear.
And now it’s not just me that’s on fire, but the bond too, the one we sutured into place, finally completed when we shared one another’s blood.
And it’s taut and immovable and permanent, and it’s going to be the thing that kills me slowly in the end.
It takes all the willpower in my body, more than I even knew I had, to wrench myself from Nox’s arms and fling myself to the other side of the room, my butt plastered to the bed as I clutch the frame of it with my fingertips.
“I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t,” I say, still trying to catch my breath. But it’s getting more difficult now.
Nox pulls the blankets off of himself, sitting straight up to face me. “You can’t what?”
“I can’t be with you. Like this. Right now. Ever,” I say, even though that last word pierces my heart, even in the way it makes Nox flinch. “Nox, you’re all I want. You know that. You have to know that. I handed the world over for you. There’s nothing I want more than to…” My eyes trail his body. “No, that’s not true. I want you, Nox. But I want you forever, not just for tonight. And I can’t…I won’t…” I have to dig my fingers into the mattress to steady myself, but my fingernails rip through the fabric, something I’ll have to make up to Bezzie. “I can’t be this person anymore, Nox.”
He frowns, and I can tell he isn’t following.
“I can’t be someone who throws herself at anyone who pays her the slightest bit of attention. I can’t be the girl who ignores the sirens in the back of her mind, the voices telling her she deserves something better than to be held for a moment. Tonight will never be enough for me, Nox. As much as I want it, I need to be loved. Not just wanted. And I’ve spent my whole life thinking that’s what’s going to fix me. I thought that if only Evander loved me back, that would somehow fix what was broken inside of me. Even with Derek…But I’ve been so convinced that males could fix me, I’ve been all too willing to take anything I can get. So much less than—well, I don’t even know that I deserve more—but less than I’m willing to accept. I don’t want less than.” I breathe out. Slowly.
“And I can’t do it anymore, Nox. I’m sorry, and I love you. So much more than you could imagine. But I have to have more respect for myself than this.”
Nox stands to his feet, slowly, his fists shaking at his side.
And I know I should leave, break through the locked door and put myself out in the open in front of the others, because if Nox takes one more step toward me, I’m not sure I’ll have the strength to resist him a second time. I’ve already used up all my resolve putting these few feet between us.
I’m spent, and if Nox so desires, I think I’ll let him bankrupt me.
“Please,” is all I have left in me to say.
