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JILL
Backinthebustlingmetropolis of New York City, the atmosphere at work had taken on a tense and uncomfortable vibe. We’d been back for a few days, and the aftermath of my heated argument with Jeremy lingered in the air, creating an invisible barrier between us. Jeremy was purposefully avoiding me, and I did the same to him. Outside of a few short work-related exchanges, we barely acknowledged one another, leaving our co-workers to notice. The whispers Jeremy had feared were manifested anyway- just for a different reason than he anticipated.
As a result, there was a noticeable shift in Jeremy's demeanor toward everyone. He offered harsher critiques over time management and was even more of a stickler about behaviors he deemed unprofessional. Morale dipped under this new energy, and although nobody expressly stated it, I felt like they were all blaming me. They somehow knew I was responsible.
In contrast to how he behaved toward the others, Jeremy’s once harsh critiques of my work had softened, leaving me with conflicting emotions. On the one hand, I appreciated the gentler feedback, but on the other hand, I couldn't help but question whether it was merely a result of him feeling afraid to cross me in light of our confrontation.
Try as I might to concentrate on my work and to prove myself amidst this strained environment, my thoughts often wandered to Jeremy. I wondered if he had experienced the same internal conflict or if he had moved past any ideas of us as a couple altogether.
Days stretched into weeks, and our interactions remained minimal. We exchanged polite nods in passing but avoided any meaningful conversation. Our connection seemed severed, leaving me with an overwhelming sense of loss.
One evening, as I began packing up to leave the office, I caught sight of Jeremy engrossed in his work from across the hallway. Part of me yearned to approach him and break the silence that had consumed our once close relationship, but I held back.
I forced myself to respect his request for space. Instead, I became determined to prove myself and restore the professionalism that once characterized our relationship. However, as time ticked by, I couldn't help but wonder if things would ever return to their former harmony.
One question persisted as I navigated the challenges of work and grappled with the complexities of our strained relationship. Was there even a way to bridge this growing divide, or should I start looking at opportunities elsewhere?
One day, while buried in work at my desk, I decided I needed a break. I left my office to walk around the building to clear my head. As I passed the lobby, I was momentarily diverted by a glimpse of Jeremy leaving the building. It wasn't unusual for him to have meetings or appointments that he left work for, but what caught my eye was the woman he met outside the door.
She was ravishing. Her beautiful blonde hair cascaded gracefully around her shoulders, radiating a confident energy I could only dream of. The sight of them exchanging smiles and engaging in what seemed to be an effortless conversation sent a wave of sadness and jealousy through me.
I wanted to know if this woman might be Jeremy's love interest or if they were strictly business. The thought of him moving on while our relationship remained in turmoil was a bitter pill.
As they disappeared from my sight, feelings of inadequacy surfaced within me. Despite recognizing that these feelings were deeply rooted in my past and marred by a history of verbal abuse from Cole, they were feelings I was unable to shake. I returned to my office and tried to compose myself, but my insecurity triggered me, and all I could do was think about the past.
Cole was a master manipulator and had long exploited my insecurities to maintain control over me.
Infidelity was one of his cruelest tools, and he repeatedly betrayed our relationship.
Each discovery of his infidelity further diminished my self-worth. I couldn't help but compare myself to the other women he had been involved with, questioning what they offered that I lacked. It was a constant reminder that I was never enough.
Although Jeremy and I were not together, so his meeting with other women was not infidelity, witnessing his encounter with the beautiful woman in the lobby resurrected my old insecurities. I found myself questioning if my perceived shortcomings were the cause of our strained relationship.
I knew the only thing to do in this situation was to confront these feelings head-on, addressing the scars of my past and the insecurities they had left behind. The journey toward self-discovery and healing would need to start soon if I was ever going to move beyond the past.
With a deep breath, I did a simple Google search for local therapists specializing in relationship trauma. After browsing therapist profiles, I contacted an office only a few blocks from the Matos building. The therapist there was Marge Lindberg. Her profile photo featured a kind-looking middle-aged woman. She seemed approachable and reminded me of one of my beloved aunts.
Trembling, I picked up the receiver and dialed the number listed. The phone rang, each trill tone echoing through my head like a drumbeat of determination.
"Lindberg Mental Health," a warm voice answered on the other end.
"Hi," I began, my voice quivering. "My name is Jill, and I... I need to schedule an appointment if possible."
The receptionist listened patiently as I poured out my fears, insecurities, and the haunting memories of my past with Cole. I admitted that I had tried to move on and rebuild my life, but the scars ran deep, and I couldn't do it alone.
Tears welled in my eyes as I spoke, but it felt liberating to voice the pain I had buried for so long. The kind voice on the other end assured me I had taken a crucial step towards healing by reaching out for help.
We scheduled my first therapy session for later in the week, and as I hung up the phone, a sense of relief washed over me. It was a small victory but a step toward reclaiming my life and self-worth.
With the support of therapy and my resilience, I believed that healing was possible.
Yet for now, sitting at my desk, I longed for the ability to banish those feelings of jealousy and inadequacy. I yearned for the day when I could look at another man without being haunted by the shadows of my past- a day where any future relationship I had could thrive on trust, understanding, and mutual respect.
The conclusion of the workday arrived with an air of anticipation, and I eagerly yearned to escape my office. It had been a lengthy and emotionally draining day, leaving me in dire need of respite from the mounting tension with Jeremy.
When I made it home, Aleshia was waiting on the front stoop. “I ordered a pizza! We can binge some Netflix!”
“Yes, please!” I said, walking past as she stood up to follow. As we walked up the stairs, we continued talking. “I’ve had the worst day! Jeremy left the office with a woman. A really hot woman.”
