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And fuck the whisper inside my head that’s agreeing with them.
Emily
It took me the rest of the day after being dropped off to calm down.
Ezra is running me in circles, and while I want to hate him for it, I realize he’s running himself in the same damn circles.
He’s like a car with the wheel stuck in one direction, or more aptly, a rower with one oar.
It’s what he’s lacking in equipment that makes it impossible for him to see what he’s doing to everybody around him. To realize what he’s doing to me. To care what he’s doing to us.
Instead, he just spins and spins in a constant circle.
So do I blame the rower, or do I blame the circumstances that stripped him of the second oar?
It was that question that finally calmed me down enough that I could think clearly. My anger was only making it easier for Ezra to drag me onto his battlefield, when I should have used my strength to end the battle entirely.
That was my fault.
My dereliction of duty.
My mistake for thinking I could take on the beast and fight the warhisway.
It’s why I need to walk away from the situation entirely.
He’ll continue dragging me down and tearing me up, his form of violence far more insidious than anybody realizes.
The simple fact is that Ezra’s not only fighting everyone around him, he is also fighting himself, and that’s a battle he’ll never win, not until he can lay down his sword and accept that he’s been defeated.
William defeated him.
The abuse defeated him.
Not being able to protect his brotherdefeatedhim.
And even though he can walk away and learn to rebuild, he can’t forgive himself the defeat.
Violence, or destruction, is the first oar.
And forgiveness, or the ability to make things whole, is the one he doesn’t have.
So we circle, and we spiral, and we fall.
The long, deep, dark hole is never-ending.
I was smart to walk away after high school, but I can’t say I made the decision for purely noble reasons. And I certainly didn’t go about it the right way.
I betrayed the twins instead.
A lot of what I did can be blamed on immaturity...and cowardice. I was looking for the easy way out, a way to get the twins to walk away from me so I didn’t carry the guilt of the decision. It was selfish of me, and not well thought out.
One video caused it all. One sex tape. Proof that I was not only fucking both twins, but at the same time. It had been meant for fun, a joke that we’d keep it for when they left for college and missed each other.
I made sure it got in Hillary Cornish’s hands, knowing she’d spread it all over school out of jealousy and hate.
Unfortunately, what I didn’t expect was that she’d bring Paul Rollings into it, and that’s when everything went to hell.
I know.
