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SARAH
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
My best friend, Jane, had been calling every day since my breakup, trying to get me to go out. But I just wasn’t ready yet.
“Anything that doesn’t involve men,” I said. “I’m pretty sure I’ve developed an allergy.”
“This is most definitely a man-free activity. Can you be at the recording studio at nine?”
“Where are we going?”
“Nowhere. My guest for tomorrow just canceled. I need you to fill in.”
Jane was the host of a hugely successful podcast calledFun with Dick and Jane. There wasn’t actually a cohost named Dick. The title referred to the subject matter of the show—datingdicks. I’d been a guest a few times before.
“I don’t know how much fun I’ll be. What’s the topic?”
“Well, my guest was supposed to be Cheri Lord, the woman who just wrapped that reality TV show where your exes get to pick who you should date. Did you see it?”
“No, I didn’t, but I saw it advertised.”
“You have to watch it. It was a shit show. She cheated on most of her exes, so they all picked serial cheaters and assholes. Anyway, tomorrow’s show was billed as ‘The Ex Factor – learning from your mistakes.’ So you’ll be perfect.”
I sighed. “Will you come with me to Cabo the day after Christmas if I do it?”
“You know I wish I could. I’ve never been on a private plane before. But the show has me doing appearances in New York since I’m going to my parents’ for Christmas. Trust me, I would much rather be on your fancy vacation than doing that. Every time they make me do these dumb things, at least one creepy guy shows up and just stares at me from the back of the room as I talk. And there’s always an old biddy who raises her hand like she wants to ask a question, but then lectures me on improving my language or acting more like a lady on the show. Did you ask Emily if she can go?”
“She’s going to Virginia to meet the parents of that new guy she’s dating.”
I really didn’t want to go to Mexico alone, but I also wasn’t giving up the amazing trip my ex had bought me for my thirtieth birthday last month—an all-expense-paid vacation for two to Cabo San Lucas, on a private jet with a stay at a five-star hotel that I could never afford, even if I flew coach. When Trent had dumped me two weeks ago, telling me he’d fallen for hisnineteen-year-oldassistant, he’d suggested I take a friend. I was pretty certain the idiot hadn’t paid for the trip anyway, probably just put it on his daddy’s black card, like everything else in his spoiled life.Whatever.I’m not bitter or anything…
“So will you be tomorrow’s guest?Pleeeeease.”
I really didn’t feel like it, but Jane was always there for me. “Sure, no problem.”
“Awesome. I’ll bring Bloody Marys for breakfast.”
The next morning, I arrived at the recording studio a few minutes before nine. Jane kissed my cheek and handed me a cocktail with celery, bacon, and olives sticking out. “Think you can come up with five signs that the new guy you just met is destined to be your ex?” she asked.
I snort laughed. “If I could, I probably wouldn’t still be single.”
Jane waved me off. “Just make up something that sounds clinical. You’re good at sounding smart.”
I polished off the last of my Bloody Mary during the ten-second countdown before we were live. Jane opened the show with her usual taglines, and then did a plug for one of her sponsors before introducing me.
“Ladies, I have a treat for you today! The one and only Sarah McGraw is here to discuss all our screwed-up relationships. If you’re a new listener and haven’t had the pleasure of meeting Sarah yet, let me give you the lowdown. Sarah is a graduate of Brown University—summa cum laude, because she’s no slouch. She holds a PhD in clinical psychology and is a practicing marriage counselor right here in sunny Los Angeles. More importantly, she’s been my best friend since we were four years old and was theonly personto warn me not to date Tommy Finnegan in high school, even though I did it anyway, and he dumped mea half hourafter he took my virginity. So please give a warmFun with Dickand Janewelcome to Sarah as she helps us see the warning flags about the men we meetbeforewe open up our heartsand walletsto them!”
I smiled and spoke into the microphone. “Wow, that’s some introduction. Thank you. Tommy Finnegan, huh? That’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time.”
Jane laughed. “He was so damn good looking. Tommy, if you’re out there listening—or if any of our listeners know a Tommy Finnegan who graduated from Carnegie High in New York in 2010—I’d love to see a photo of him now.”
I shook my head. “Oh my God. People, please donotsend her a photo, especially if he’s still good looking. She’s a sucker for guys with dimples.”
Jane sighed. “That I am, Sarah. That I am. But as long as we’re on the topic, I think Tommy is as good a place as any to start today. You warned me not to go out with him, so I’m guessing you saw a red flag before I did.”
“Uh…yeah. He’d dated half the school. His nickname wasFuck Me Finnegan. And he took you to see apornoon your first date.”
“Hey, don’t knock it. I learned a lot of useful tricks from that movie.”
