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“We’ll hook you up, too, Sarah.” Jane laughed. “Okay, now to our next finalist. The dump story our listeners chose as the first runner-up was submitted by Leela from Riverside, who wrote: ‘My father unexpectedly passed away last year. After the burial, my boyfriend texted me that my dad’s death had taught him that life was short. He no longer felt it would be fair to string me along when he wasn’t in love with me. So not only did I lose my dad, I also lost my boyfriend in the same week. Oh, and my dad had left my ex an expensive watch in his will, thinking he would be my husband sometime soon, and the idiot demanded we actually give it to him.’”
“Oh, Leela. What a jerk,” I said into the mic.
“Leela, while you totally deserve a trip to Cabo after dealing with that insensitive loser, again, you are our first runner-up. But the good news is, our producers will be sending you aFun with Dick andJaneself-care package that includes wine, chocolate, and the best in beauty care, thanks to our sponsors. Thankyouso much for participating, Leela!”
I spoke into the mic. “Enjoy, Leela!”
“And now for the moment we’ve all been waiting for.” Jane paused. “The winner of the 2022 Christmas in Cabo contest. It was a tough one. But this person’s dump story seemed to resonate with our listeners the most. Kelly from Burbank. Kelly wrote in with a story that made our blood boil. Kelly writes: ‘A few years ago I was dating someone I also worked with, who gave me the impression that they were trustworthy. I told this person about a concept for a unique product I’d come up with. I shouldn’t have. Because, not soon after, I was suddenly dumped, and the company we both worked for introduced plans for a new product. It was exactly what I’d shared with the snake who dumped me, down to every last detail. The company went on to make millions off this device, and I got no credit for it, because I’d never patented anything. My ex, however, was promoted.’” Jane paused. “So, Kelly…”
The sound tech introduced some celebratory music.
“Our hearts break for the betrayal you endured. We believe you deserve to take your mind off things for a while. You, my friend, have won the trip to Cabo San Lucas with my girl, Sarah! A limo will pick you up and take you to the airport where you and Sarah will fly via private jet to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, the morning after Christmas. Should you decide for any reason not to accept this grand prize, the trip will go to our first runner-up, Leela from Riverside. Our producers have all of your information and will contact you via the email you provided to make the arrangements. A huge congratulations, Kelly! You deserve it after all that!”
“Yay, Kelly!” I clapped, but inside I was beginning to wonder what the hell I’d gotten myself into.
I ended up skipping Christmas with my family this year. With the Cabo trip coming up, it would’ve been too much to fly to New York and then get back here the next day to catch my plane. And admittedly, there was another reason I was avoiding it: I would’ve had to endure their questions about my current dating life, and worse, rehash the story of what happened with my ex to those who had no idea we’d even broken up.
The morning after Christmas, I couldn’t have been more ambivalent about this whole vacation-with-a-stranger thing. My plan was to enjoy this time alone and not worry about whether this Kelly chick and I got along. We didn’t even have to see each other, I suppose. Itwasnice that half of the trip wouldn’t be going to waste. But vacationing with a stranger is awkward—plain and simple. I didn’t need us to be Thelma and Louise. I just needed to be able to tolerate her in the event she chose to hang out with me and not do her own thing.
The plan was for Kelly to meet me at the airport after the limo dropped her off. They’d let me know the exact spot where they’d be bringing her so I could wait there. I had no idea what to expect; I didn’t even know this chick’s age. For all I knew, she could have been old enough to be my grandmother or eighteen.
Finally, in the distance, I could see the black limo approaching. Butterflies swarmed in my belly. Okay, maybe I wasn’t as ambivalent as I’d thought. It felt like I was The Bachelor, waiting for the limo to pull up and not knowing what the woman exiting the vehicle was going to be like.
When the limo pulled up, no one came around to open the back door. Instead, the door swung open and out came one of the tallest men I’d ever seen. He wore a Hawaiian shirt, a jumbo straw hat, and had what looked like Mardi Gras beads around his neck.
What the hell?
“Please tell me you’re Sarah.” He smiled.
I had to admit, under that gargantuan hat, he had a pretty gorgeous face and piercing blue eyes.
I cleared my throat. “I am.”
Before I could get another word out, I went flying into the air. He’d lifted me up off my feet and spun me around so fast I nearly vomited.
“Dude, this is gonna be awesome,” he said as he planted me back on my feet.
Dude?“What? Excuse me. Who are you, and where the hell is Kelly?”
“You’re looking at him.” He held his hand out. “Kelly Fugger. Great to meet you, Sarah.”
“Kelly Fucker?”
“Fugger. F-U-G-G-E-R.”
Well, isn’t this a bitch… I’m fugged.
SARAH
“How can you be Kelly? You’re supposed to be a woman…”
The guy pulled out the waistband of his shorts and peeked inside. “Sorry. Still not a woman. Though I have to admit, it’s been a while since I had a reason to check.” He shrugged. “I’ve had a bit of a dry spell since the vibrator thief and I split up.”
I blinked a few times. “Vibrator thief?”
He nodded. “That’s how I won the contest. My ex, Kelly—”
I interrupted him. “Wait, your name is Kellyandyour ex’s name is Kelly?”
