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Tonight’sour first home game of the season, and I can’t let Coach Murphy or the team down. They’re counting on me. My nerves are shot, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. Pre-game nerves always rattle me, but then during the game and after, I always feel better. Then the adrenaline letdown and exhaustion set in, and I’m so hungry I could eat a horse and then sleep for days after every game. So much pressure to perform and do well. How the town approves or accepts me depends on how well I play and whether we win. I’ve seen people shake their heads at me in disappointment after we’ve lost. It's as if I’m the direct result of our losing, and it’s solely my fault. And the way they clap me on the back and tell me good job after a win is the high I chase every time. To belong. I don’t know why it matters to me so much, but I want to belong here. I don’t want people to look down on me.
At lunch, I was relieved when Callie passed me a few PB & J sandwiches she had packed for me from home. She knows they are the only things that calm my stomach before a game and that I need to eat. I smile at her, grateful for the sandwiches. She reaches over to hug me, and it feels like everything will be all right. “Knock ’em dead tonight, SJ.”
The team is ready in the locker room. Coach gives us a pep talk to amp us up, and then we run out. The stadium lights are bright across the field. It’s darker now, and the crowd is cheering. I smile as I look because I know Callie is cheering for me and wearing my number.
Someone grips and squeezes my arm too tightly. I jerk back and look up, and it’s Callie’s dad, Hamilton McGraw. He looks over at me and sways slightly back and forth, his eyes glassy and unable to focus on my face. His breath and body sweat reeks of alcohol. “Better win, son,” he slurs, spitting as he speaks. My first thought is Callie and where she is and if she sees her dad drunk like this at the game. I know she’d be so embarrassed.
I put my head down and scooted down the bench closer to my team to escape him. I don’t want to be seen with him. My eyes dart up to the stands to check on Callie and make sure she’s okay. I see her sitting with a few friends, and she’s unbothered and unaware of her drunk dad showing up at the game and starting stuff with me. I look over, and Callie’s mom, Cheryl, is watching me with her lips pursed. It looks like she didn’t miss seeing me looking up at Callie. And the way her eyes are glassy, she looks lit too. She’s holding a tumbler that probably contains alcohol. I wonder who drove here. It’s amazing how much I used to care about whether these people liked me. But I know they never will. To them, I’m just the son of a biker who isn’t good enough for their daughter. They’ll never accept me. The truth is, they’ll never be good enough for Callie. They may not accept me, but it hurts more to see them treat her the way they do. She deserves better.
I look up into the stands, and my dad is watching me. No doubt he caught the exchange with Callie’s dad. I watch his eyes narrow on Hamilton. His body language is rigid and tight. He sees me watching him and lifts his chin and his hand in a wave. My dad is a good guy and runs a good business here in Freedom Valley. I could never understand why he isn’t good enough. Why am I not good enough? I have good grades. Not as good as Callie’s, but they’re good enough for college. And I play varsity football. I do all the right things. I can’t help who my dad is, but he’s a good person. My dad, the colorful biker as they want to see him, is here at the game without any alcohol in his system. He’s here with his friends to cheer me on. Why does it matter that they rode here on bikes? Hamilton and Cheryl McGraw are the ones people should be worried about.
now
I wake up cold and sweaty from a nightmare. Sitting up, I scrub my hand over my face, take deep breaths, and reach for my water. I’ve barely slept since I saw Callie again that first night at the game, and when I do sleep, the nightmares have come back. This time, they’re all of me leaving her.
When I first came home, building my cabin was fueled by insomnia. But I’m done hiding how I feel about Callie. I’d rather risk facing everything head-on. And my deepest pain is the way I hurt her by leaving. My biggest fear is that she’ll never forgive me. I knew I wasn’t good enough for her. I knew she was better off without me. But now? I’m not sure of anything anymore other than I still love her. Somehow my feelings for her are even stronger now.
I watch the sunrise over the ridgeline as I wait for my coffee to brew. When it’s done, I take my cup to the porch and watch the sunrise with my feet propped up. Callie and I always came here and sat on a blanket up on top of this cliff and watched the sunset. She used to say it was the only place she felt safe and peaceful. I wanted her to have this. I wanted this for us. I always hoped maybe she’d come back, and we could work things out and build a life together. But now I’m messing it all up. I can’t get it right for anything.
When my dad told me this land was up for sale about six years ago, I knew I had to have it even though I was still stationed in Texas. I bought the land but didn’t start building on it until a year ago. Building the cabin has been the best thing for me. Callie was right; this place is peaceful. When she surprised me out here the other day, it made me feel like I had a sliver of a chance at winning her back. Kissing Callie was…everything I imagined it would be. I know that we’re meant to be. I just need her to see that this is it for us. We’re ready for this. I think she does, but she’s just still so upset with me, and I get it. I was a shit. I’ll do anything to fix things. As I look back on the past several years, every decision I made was a driving force toward getting her back. I bought the land, finished college, got out of the military, and got myself healthy again. I want to be a better man for her.
Having Callie back here feels like a switch has flipped in me. It’s funny how someone you think you know everything about can live an entirely different life for the past twelve years, and I have no idea what that’s been like for her. I want to know everything I missed. It feels like we’ve both lived an entire lifetime since eighteen. And I don’t really want to tell her any of it. Most of it wasn’t good. The Army was tough. It healed me in some ways, but it broke me, too. I’ve seen a lot of things and done a lot of things. I don’t regret any of it, but I regret what happened with Callie. I want to explain everything to her and make her understand.
That night, when I went to tow her and found her asleep in her car, she looked so fragile and exhausted. Not like the strong and fearless Callie that I used to know. Then when she got mad and screamed at me, I knew she was still in there, the Callie I know. I deserve every bit of it. I’m sure she’s been through it with her parents. And that’s the part I can’t forgive myself for. Leaving her here with them. I didn’t think I had a choice back then, but I do now. Eighteen-year-old me and thirty-year-old me are two very different men. And a few people in this town need to realize that.
* * *
I pull up to the inn on my bike, and Caleb and Kase run up excitedly. “Coach Reid, can we see your bike?” They jump up and down.
Pulling off my helmet, I say, “Who wants to go first?”
“Me, me!” little blond Caleb shrieked, raising his arms.
“Alright.” Lifting him, I put him on the bike, and his arms barely reach as he leans over to touch the handlebars. I hold his little leg up so it doesn’t touch the hot exhaust pipe.
“Future riders on our hands,” Evan calls from behind me. “But don’t tell their mothers.” He chuckles.
“When are you going to get a bike?” I call over to him. “You can ride with me.”
“I wish I had time.” He shrugs. “Does this mean you’re going to be an official member of your dad’s club?”
“Nah, I like riding, but I’ve just never gotten into the club. Too busy with other things. But I support my dad in whatever he does.” I shrug.
I swap Caleb out for Kase so he can have a turn. “I’ll let Dad know we have future Eastern Bones members.”
Evan snorts and leans down to pick up Caleb and spin him around. “Things good?”
“Can’t complain. You?” I ask Evan as I take in the updates to the inn property. This place has always felt like home to me. A real home.
“Better now that you finally made it out. Beth has been on me to have you over.”
“You guys ready for the fall festival?” I set Kase down.
“Not even close. We still have a million things to do.” He scrubs a hand over his face. “But I could use your help with the tractor. We need it for the festival and can’t get it to start. Pete and I have worked on it all week and can’t get it going.”
“Happy to take a look,” I say as we walk out to the barn. The boys and Bossy and Chip, the black and white dogs, trail us.
I turn around and take in the inn and the property. It’s changed so much since I’ve been back. It looks like business hasn’t slowed as guests mill around, and Pete, the handyman, is across the yard working on a project. I lift a hand to wave. He’s been here since Evan and I were kids.
